• Ugly yellow sun and the runaway girl

    UGLY YELLOW SUN AND THE RUNAWAY GIRLMy life is physically harder but for the first time ever,  I'm mentally happier, don't get me wrong I have good days and bad days.  My body is killing me slowly now but I don't want to die anymore. The past haunts me, trying to creep in and spoil my happiness.  It is a daily battle but I'm winning.  I always run away, not this time!! Today the beautiful sun sprinkles ...

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  • Hope

    I'm at my middle lifeAfter a struggleIt's been a muddle But I'm getting there I can't change the worldOn my own But I can play my part And make a startTo reform the harm that's done 🙈

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  • Suspense, Anguish And Fear…..

    ……….all over what is not real with a paranoid component and feelings of despair. An emotional heart beating out a vibration of error. Not to mention a plague of voices playing with my head.With a mind as sensitive as a set of scales enrobed in this suspense. Ready to oscillate about the mean with life's triggers before balancing once again to reality.This is the only bit of apparatus I have to judge the world, squarely ...

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    Tags:
    of,
    self,
    sense
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  • New Life

    It all began at a birth. My first child, eagerly expected and joyously welcomed. Perfect. I used to sit up at night waiting for him to wake up. Then the visions started. Overflowing with happiness my mind created imminent surprise parties. I had the the growing conviction that my son was divine  and that a friend had given birth to John the Baptist.These visions culminated in The Long Night. A bewildered husband and mother in law sat ...

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  • Long note to self

    And I know you’re hurting. I know there’s a lot that’s going on your mind. People demand things from you and you try your best to never let them down. I can feel it. Your eyes are tired from crying but you still ask if there’s still more than what you’re getting right now. If it still has the capacity to shed tears each time you feel crying. And I will tell you yes. Life ...

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  • The Pink Room

    Rosie stands in her bedroom and marvels at the pinkness of it all. It’s oozing pink. The girlie-ness of it all overwhelms her. The fabric of the curtains remind her of dandelions in the wind and the golden lining sparkles in the sun.Looking around the excitement of where to place her things is almost too much. Underfoot her carpet feels like soft sand and the warmth of the walls envelope her like a cloud. ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    time,
    self improvement
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  • Patterns

    I sat in the counsellor's office for the first time today, and did not expect to unleash upon them in the way that I did. Only a slight prompt regarding my course and off I went; "I want to be good at this course", "I was good at physics",  "I am good at writing and editing", "I am good at my job", "I am good at connecting with people". GOOD. There it is. First session. ...

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  • Road to a better place.....

    Appointment after appointment with psychiatrist, plastic surgeon and medical examinations asking questions and checking me over, saying I have a 'specific phobia anxiety' and suffering with post traumatic stress....a few months earlier I was involved in a bad car accident, I was travelling 70mph in the right hand lane on a dual carriageway and an elderly woman decided it would be a good idea to pull out in front of me (she was trying to ...

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    Trauma-Hope-Recovery
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  • Trust, such a big thing !

    Why am I thinking about him again? He is not worth my time and I know that yet I'm lying in bed unable to sleep and all I can do is hate him. Im thinking about my sperm donor of a dad! He used to beat my mum and my older sister, luckily I think he never got to me, by for some reason I'm just as affected by it. He moved away and has started ...

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    Tags:
    dealing with past experiences,
    Overthinking,
    Trust
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  • My story part 2

    My name is Hazel, this is the second part of my story. I have a one-year-old daughter who I am still fighting for.  Social work have failed me I want people to see that social work have used my mental health illness to adopt my baby to random strangers. There is nothing more than this world I would love to have my daughter back if social work gave me the chance to be a mum they will ...

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  • my life story

    My name is Hazel. I am 23 years old and I am going to share my life story with you.When I was a little girl I was taken of my mum because she choose drugs over me and my brother and sisters. I stayed with foster carers when I was 7 years old. Every day of my life I got beat up raped. When I turned 13 my body couldn’t handle the abuse any more ...

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  • Flames changed my life

     It was October 4th, 2013 the day my life got flipped around. It changed not only my life but friends and family I had to leave behind. I currently lived in Farmington Kentucky, right next to Murray Kentucky. I lived with my dad, and my mother lived in Jackson at this time. So, it was a cold-football-game-playing-long-sleeve-wearing kind of night. I was 11 at this time so I was in sixth grade. I remember ...

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    Tags:
    #fire,
    #gone
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  • Not so secret life of an american teenager

    I have learned a lot of lessons in life, and the biggest one I learned would be is to, never give up. I know that sounds really cheesy, and I also know people overuse it. But I honestly believe, it’s an important thing to do, and to always believe. When I was only 11, my house burned all the way down, and I believed it was the end of everything. I lost everything, and i ...

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    Tags:
    #depression,
    #struggle
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  • What is wrong with me?

     I wrote this when I was in a bad place back when I had just started college and the bullying started again. I am publishing it so I can finally get passed it and move on.    It's wrong to hate yourself as much as I doBut it is also wrong for people to treat you like shit Making fun of you and pushing you down They don't realise it makes you feel like shit They ...

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    Tags:
    lonely,
    Bullying,
    life gets better
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  • How can I live on the Outside looking in?

    How can I live on the Outside looking in?A poor little plain thing. Hardly there really. So close in age to her sister, must have been a mistake surely.The powerful She-beast scares me. Scares me, scares me. But I love her too.The slimy grimy He-beast sickens me. Sickens my stomach. But I love him too.Twisted knots. Green biles of shame. That stop me feeling my Me. my me. my me.Can't get to the ...

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  • Ariana's Journey:

    This story references suicide, self-harm and abuse

    Ariana's Journey:Growing up life was rough. My parents divorced when I was only two years old and it was hard for me to go back and forth between the two. My biological dad didnt really want anything to do with my sister and I so every time we had to see him for visitation it was with his parents. My mom got remarried when I was in 2nd grade and it was even harder for ...

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  • Choose life

    Please note: this piece references suicide. The walls are white. Clinical. There's a table between us with my file on it. She crosses her legs, asks "How many times have you tried to kill yourself?" "Three." i whisper. But this is not what i mean to say. What i mean to say is let me tell you about all of the days in between. The ones where i chose life. Let me tell you about ...

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  • Hell and The Ghost Train

    Please Note: This piece contains references to suicide. I think I am in Hell. Coming from a religious upbringing I was told that Hell is your worst ever fears all in one place. So I think that is where I am. The ride has stopped but it's still dark and I'm still afraid. I can hear voices but this time they are telling me that things are definitely not ok. Things are never going to ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    Suicide,
    Anxiety,
    Depression
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  • Helter Skelter to Hell

    Regardless of my best efforts I seem to have passed the "stop here" sign and I am hurtling down what I can only describe as the Helter Skelter to Hell. Before I know it I'm plunging deeper and deeper into the darkness with a feeling of sheer terror taking over my mind and body. I try desperately to cling to the sides but there appears to be nothing to hold onto. There is no light ...

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    Tags:
    anti-depressants,
    Anxiety,
    Depression,
    Panic
  • The Day I Fell off The Edge of The Earth

    Thursday 3rd December 2016. The day I fell off the edge of the Earth. Really looking back the walk to the edge started many months before, but the fall started in the early hours of Wednesday 2nd December around 1am. I awoke from what had been a very disturbed sleep with a feeling of utter dread. It had been a long time since I felt that feeling but there was no mistaking it. The best ...

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    Tags:
    Anxiety,
    Depression,
    Panic,
    Self-stigma
  • A Little More Time

    Please Note: this story talks about overdose and suicide. A Little More Time (My Story) My name is Joseph Fusaro. I am 32 years old. I was first diagnosed with depression, anxiety, and ADHD when I was a senior in high school, although I am pretty sure I had been suffering undiagnosed since I was around 6 or 7 years old. I had a problem with attention and retaining information in school. Looking back I ...

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  • Overcoming addiction and alcoholism-There is Hope

    My name is Stephanie, and I am a recovering alcoholic and addict. I remember how miserable I was when I was using and drinking. Getting sober isn’t nearly as hard as keeping up with our lives when we are out there drinking or using. It’s amazing how different I am today, nearly four years later. Through Bradford Health Services, AA, my family, my new (real) friends, and my AA sponsor, I gained my life back. ...

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    Tags:
    Recovery,
    stories,
    Alcoholism,
    coping strategies,
    hope
  • John's Storybooking a place while you can still read the signs of life after death 💀?

    Second Rate (impulse rate) Chapter One With having found, it seems so many much further into where we're looking good into the future and back into the past catalogues of cataloging many details as yet still to be found in getting to where I am and the way my story goes and gets far less overblown than before here I will, as best I can cut straight to the chase I think by trying not ...

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    chapter,
    Basic,
    one
  • Ros d

    I have had experience of bipolar for nearly thirty years. My sister, Sheila, thinks that it started in my late teens. What seemed to trigger it were deaths in the family. I worked for 31 years and have been employed for the last six years. I initially worked in the offices but then worked as a cleaner and a catering assistant in a primary school. I worked there for 3 years I am good at ...

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    Tags:
    stigma,
    recovery,
    bi-polar
  • Reach for the rainbow

    Every night she went to sleep, hoping that her sleep under the blanket of stars would keep her safe. Take her from the nightmare that was her every day reality. She slept on her stomach to protect herself and always lay with her head resting on her arm so that the slightest movement would wake her. She dreamed of rainbows and wondered what lay at the end of her rainbow. Would she ever reach the ...

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  • Bob Makes Peace With His Struggles

    Bob Considers His Struggles To anyone looking in all that is observed is someone struggling, believes Bob . Struggling with confidence, struggling to tie his own shoe laces. A nervy person unable to inspire confidence in others. He is eventually ignored after a few jokes are shared between those who seem to find life much easier.He has to forgive them. His youth is diminishing ,theirs is in full flood.He knows they should know better. He ...

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    Tags:
    sense of self,
    self-knowledge,
    spiritual emergence,
    self-help,
    hope
  • stigma about mental health

    Stigma facing mental health Alot of young people are scared to talk to health professionals, this is not a surprise as i personally have been in the situation where going to doctor was more like a choir they would brush me off and blame hormones for any issue i had. They would give medication after medication where they made me feel worse off than without them. The fear of being judged affects many of us ...

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    Tags:
    stigma
  • Sometimes you just got to eat the frog......

    Anxiety. A damn pain in the arse (literally) But...also a reminder (apologies to any animal lovers - I am too and wouldn't eat any of the animals I am about to refer to - its just my way of putting things into context) A reminder that sometimes you sometimes just need to eat the frog (if you have something horrible or scary you need to do - just get it over and done with). But ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    challenges
  • ''Recovery;''

    Warning: this story contains references to overdosing and self-harm. For me, Recovery is; being free from the constant irrational thoughts, being able to take a criticism without harming myself for it, being able to appreciate food and enjoy eating without having the fear of binging then having to purge, wearing short sleeves in the summer, being able to sleep for more than 3 hours a night, being able to walk in public without feeling like ...

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    #Recovery
  • Let it Go

    So I got my medical notes. After 11 years I now have as clear a picture in my head of what happened to me when I was most unwell as I guess I ever will have. It made interesting reading actually. Sadly it also re-affirmed what I have always believed happened - I was just given drugs and no one appeared to have listened to what I was trying to say about the root cause ...

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    Tags:
    medication,
    PMDD,
    suicide,
    Hormones
  • Diagnosis - Good/Bad or both???

    As I await permission from the NHS to view my OWN medical records......I have been thinking. I have been wondering if I will like what I see?? It got me thinking about a diagnosis, most specifically the diagnosis I had. It made me think about how my attitude to my diagnosis has changed over time. My diagnosis was PMDD, a recognised mental disorder (don't you love being told your disordered!! - why can't things just ...

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    Tags:
    PMDD
  • It's Time To Let It Go

    I have requested to view my medical notes from 2014 when I was an in-patient in mental health wards. This is quite a scary but empowering step for me. I am hoping that it will help me to get some closure as this time has always been a bit blank in my mind. In some ways that has suited me - who really wants to re-visit one of the worst times in their life?? But ...

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    Tags:
    PMDD
  • Plug The Gaps

    The Great Big Secret.... So writing my story has helped me to see that I am not fully aware of what actually happened when I was most unwell. I'm sure a combination of factors contribute to this. I'm sure the mind keeps things from us to keep us safe - save us from re-living trauma. I'm also sure that I was pretty doped up on diazepam and other drugs during my inpatient stay. And lastly ...

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    Tags:
    recovery,
    suicide
  • 'I Paid.'

    I'd gone to visit a friend and we'd been drinking. He had moved away and I rarely got to see him, so we were having a good catch-up and enjoying ourselves. We'd been to a few bars and had then gone back to his apartment to begin drinking the whiskey I'd brought. But within minutes the facade dropped, I couldn't stop crying and I had no energy left to keep up the pretense. My friend ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicidal thoughts,
    male,
    self-hatred,
    guilt
  • secret daughters of autumn

    how to take antipsychotic medication by dm gillis to sleep like a seed & dream of a garden the stem I will be bent under late snow voices & oils on canvas their lips their stilled tongues but rapid eyes they think of me as family from a tragic buttoned distance a manic Christmas poet psychotic still as a century dire oh dire sleeping the Seroquel sleep the Olanzapine street corner raving at the yellow ...

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    Tags:
    psychosis,
    bipolar,
    antipsychotic medication,
    anti-psychotic
  • Stabilisers

    I remember my dad fitting my sisters old stabilisers onto my new but second hand bike. I remember the tools and him checking and double checking his handiwork. Then he taped a square flap of thick cardboard onto the forks so it would rub against the spokes and make a tcka tcka noise, so I could pretend it was a motorbike! I remember thinking how he could fix anything and make any toy or game ...

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    Tags:
    mood,
    stabilisers
  • Journey of a Lifetime

    People say everything has a beginning, a middle and an end - usually in that order. I feel like my life had an end, a middle then a beginning - let me explain. My end was my beginning. It turns out ironically that the worst time in my life has led me to my new beginning. There was of course the 'middle' - the part in-between where I had to work pretty hard and make ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    PMDD,
    suicide,
    Recovery
  • Adventure of a Lifetime

    I always said I would like to write a book about my journey - maybe this is the time. I can do it in little bite sized chunks which suit me. And what a journey it has been - and still is. 10 years ago in June I tried to take my own life. It made perfect sense at that time as in my head the world and my family would be better off without ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicide,
    PMDD,
    anxiety,
    survival
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  • From hell to wellness

    From hell to wellness. It only seems like yesterday when I found myself staring into the darkest gaping black hole imaginable ,or that’s how it seemed at the time , Fear seclusion ,isolation , and every other dark thought you can imagine . But I am not going to dwell on those times I would like to share how I over came all of these things with support from the services and friends and new ...

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