I have little faith in my tools. They are rusted, poorly kept, and blunt. As I walk through the wilderness, my pack rattles it's sparse contents, revealing all the hollow spots, the absence. I doubt the rations will see me through. I do the maths in my head and the outlook is not hopeful. A miracle is what I think I need. A rescue party. More capable people, with fancy, shiny tools. And yet, even barefoot, even half-starved and aching, worn ...read more
Each day i wake at the foot of the mountainWhen alli want is to drink from life's fountainKnowing i'm going to climb through rocks and rubbleTrying to conquer my fears and trouble Each night i reach the mountain's peakBut of my troubles i did not speakTo speak of them would make them realThen people would judge me and how i feel The ascent takes all day and nightBut inside my head it's a continual fightI keep repeating ...read more
Please Note: This piece has dark themes
Every day i run the Devils ChaseI stare into his dark and evil faceHe stares back with his empty eyesTelling me 'it's your time to die' I run and run but can never escapeI'm always within his sight, his reach.....and gapeHe pulls me back by the shirt tailInto every disaster and trauma without fail Making me feel my time has comeKnowing that the devil i cannot outrunThis is it now he has me in his graspI feel ...read more
Diagnosed with Complex PTSD, now i know why i've been me.Living all these years with my torture, never knowing if it was nature or nurture. Hoping that i'm still seen as a man, but knowing you choose not to understand.Intent to punish and not to care, ignoring all the years i've been there. Giving you everything for 7 years, blood and sweat despite my tears. You have a real lack of understanding, why on myself i'm so demanding. After 7 years ...read more
A sense of belonging
Please note: this story references self harm and suicide.
I remember the dazed, sickly feeling; the heat of the hospital and the incandescent fear. It had faded slightly on arrival, lurking in the background like a toothache slightly subdued by aspirin. I was angry too, at having made mistakes – big ones and bad ones that would change my life. A lot of the crazy things I had done were because of delusions, but also because of the fear of ending up in a ...read more
A force inside my mind,inside my chest,a force that feels something like pain,but not quite,something like fear,urges me to go. How much will I surrender to this feeling,this foreign part that comes from me,but is not me.Is not welcome. This feeling speaks a urgent language,it speaks to me in ultimatumsabout what I can and cannot endure. It says 'enough' several times a day,but I don't leave when it says leave.I don't give in when it tells me to.And ...read more
In which we discover that life is better than a life purpose.
So I've been thinking about my place in the world. Wondering what I should be doing with myself, now ten years has passed since I last did paid work and I am feeling a bit more able and restless. I was thinking how hard it is to set foot back into the workplace, knowing that its not stepping back to You ten years ago when you abandoned your job, but stepping into the new version ...read more
Shedding the label
' I will survive' by Gloria Gaynor. I do not like this song, perhaps I did once. Survive defined as : continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship. I do not wish to merely live or exist I wish to feel alive..to be free of danger or hardship. I rotate the dial on the car radio and eliminate the disco beat from my ears....the lyrics linger... fluttering, around my head ...read more
Please Note: This Story Discusses Suicide... When I look back to this time last year- I wanted to die. I did everything to hurt myself. I cut my wrists, I starved myself and I made several attempts to end my life. I had no future and no life and I wanted it all to end. I don't know exactly what happened between then and now, but now I know that self- destruction is no longer ...read more
Adventure of a Lifetime
I always said I would like to write a book about my journey - maybe this is the time. I can do it in little bite sized chunks which suit me. And what a journey it has been - and still is. 10 years ago in June I tried to take my own life. It made perfect sense at that time as in my head the world and my family would be better off without ...read more