• The Beast

     The Beast Its 3 30 am and I'm lying here in a different reality to the one that I inhabit normally.   For the most part, I'm enveloped by a beast... a beast that has large black slippery arms and legs.    I am sitting inside the beast whose abdomen is a black place.   Its a place where in order to protect myself, I become infant, foetal, primal, instinctual, isolated, irrational and childlike.     It is this emotional ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    window,
    terror,
    anxiety,
    withdrawal
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  • Clocks 2

    If broken clocks tell the right time twice in a day,did big boys do it and run away?From the cricket voice that kept Pinocchio straightor, like the rabbit, was it just too lateto escape the date with the light-footed queen?Is the bear you built vulnerable at the seam?If the stuffing comes out, will you push it back in?Sew it? Mend it? Will it go in the bin?It's savagely unhelpful that 6 might be 9What's the ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    smile,
    Poetry,
    self-knowledge,
    poem
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  • Straightening Things Out

    Please note: this piece references self harm.

    So my boyfriend and I straightened things out. Yesterday, I wasn't sure if we could continue in a relationship together. I felt so hurt, so wronged; abused, even. But it is possible that there are things outwith the realm of your understanding and imagination that are still true. He reacted angrily to my confession of self-harm. This hurt me greatly. But yesterday I realised that what I told him completely broke his heart and it ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    proactive,
    rock bottom,
    positivity,
    boyfriend
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  • Boo Hoo Hoo! - a poem

    Boo hoo hoo!I cry and I moan and I whinge and I cry.The world is against me so why should I tryto get up in the morning and put on a smileand be better than this for even a while? If I wash and I scrub, I'll still smell like meand the smells, not the smell that I'd like it to be.My skin's like a suit that some other guy wore,it got crinkled up and was hung on ...

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    Tags:
    smile,
    self-knowledge,
    depression,
    poem
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  • Strange

    Please note this story references suicide and self harm

    Going to work every day when you've been thinking of suicide and cutting yourself the night before is strange. People asking how you are. Wanting to tell them, wanting to give them a reason why you've been so scatty and struggled to remember things. It gives me a sense of shame not feeling like I'm fully excelling at work because it is my near only form of social interaction and that is how ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    college,
    suicidal thoughts,
    work,
    self harm
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  • Water on Pain

    Please note: this piece references self-harm. Step into the bathtub. Turn the water hot as you can bear, to take the pain away. The fear. The grief. Look down at the scars on your body, made on nights when you were losing your mind. It's okay. Madness is a human emotion too. Whisper "i love you" to your skin, "thank you" for holding all of the stories together and building you new. Lather your hair ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Anxiety
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  • The Tangled Headphones

    The Tangled Headphones I lay in bed last night & tried to calm the swirling chaos that is my mind. I tried to put a name to it, to describe what my head was like, and all I could think of was tangled headphones. The kind that have been in your bag for months and are an unrecognisable mess of knots that are intricately woven and will take a lot of work, effort and time ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    mind,
    headphones
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  • Recovery

    You spend so long trying trying everyone’s patience – especially your own. Exhausted, you bite your tongue and grit your teeth get through the days fight against the nights. All that effort spent gripping tightly to life. But living means more than being here. And as the effort eases you succeed. You are here. What next?

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    recovery,
    PTSD
  • Sleeves

    Please note: this piece references self-harm. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve – never have. Instead, I keep it closely guarded, hidden discreetly. For years, my sleeves were a hiding place, not for my heart – but for secret hurts on skin, written deeply . But now, wearing what I like I hide my hurts next to my heart. And though I think about them I’m trying my best not to feel.

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    recovery,
    self harm
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  • I want to be me

    I want to be confident, I used to be that girl. Back in high school and college I was so cocky and small-minded that nothing bothered me. I was confident in myself and roughly confident in how I looked (lets be realistic no one is confident with how they look ever day). Then after two years of college I was kicked out for being too cocky. Within two weeks I had four jobs to support ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    happy,
    feelings,
    me
  • Hello hope my old friend.....you tease

    As the civil war within my mind rages on darkness prevails, emptiness and loneliness as its allies. This morning however, hope has laid her seed, I pray it blooms. I woke to the all too familiar feeling of anxiety, an inability to lift my head from the pillow. I'd been here many times before, and not moved for hours even days. A battle sprung within, a fierce back and forth of thoughts, blows traded between ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    anxiety,
    depression
  • What makes me Resilient?

    Please note: this story references abuse and suicide. What makes me Resilient? I like to keep up to date on the latest research into psychology, especially that which helps me survive mentally in a pre-apocalyptic world. There has been much more noise about person resilience in the last few years. Some say it can be picked up’ by being outdoors, for example, having been a Girl Guide or Boy Scout, when we were young. Perhaps ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    community,
    trauma,
    anxiety,
    Bullying
  • Where is the off switch??

    *TRIGGER WARNING* Can someone tell me where the off switch is please as the constant bombardment of thoughts are nothing short of painful. I really do hope that writing this is as cathartic an experience as I expect as this is my last hope. I can tell you exactly how I feel because you won't judge me will you (please don't, I'm far too sensitive right now) Frankly, I feel like I am wallowing - ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    terror
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  • An Ongoing Process

    I look upon recovery as being an ongoing process, as I think I for one will always strive for progress. In recovery, there is no right or wrong, but to move on from somewhere unpleasant you have to be incredibly strong. You will need to come so far out of your comfort zone, but the important thing to remember is that you don't need to do it alone. The road to recovery can be testing ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Recovery,
    progress,
    hero,
    husband
  • The Passing of SADness

    The Passing of SADness The dark days outside rolled into one and there I was, trapped in the corner of my own dark place. A hard shell grew around me of my own making, a cold blizzard of bitterness within, shielding me from the reach of the well meaning, through my mind’s oppressive ceiling. In this eternal winter I mourned my losses, My defeated heart and troubled mind conspiring, Creating a toxic sedative which I ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Sad,
    seasons
  • The Visitor

    Please note: this story references self harm. It has been a long day, I am tired and settling down for the night, but there is an uneasy feeling in my stomach, a twisting and fluttering, like there is a fear or question rising, one which I am not yet ready to entertain and answer, a request which I will not adhere to. There is a sense of something creeping up on me, a time, a ...

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    Tags:
    trauma,
    depression,
    Inner child
  • Being kind to myself- an open letter to me, from me.

    Well done Lisa. You did it. What seems like the biggest feat, wasn't really all that hard to beat. you got out of bed , wearing a smile, even though you could've easily stayed there for a while. You woke the kids up, got them fed and dressed, sat down with a coffee, and took your time taking your meds. Then you dressed yourself and brushed your teeth before heading out the door, feeling excited ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    wellbeing,
    gym,
    kindness,
    Disability
  • What writing means to me.

    Writing gives me the freedom to express how I feel when I am at my most confused and vulnerable. The support and encouragement that I get from my 'Writing to Recovery' group gives me the opportunity to really explore the conflicting, overwhelming emotions that come from being on this journey. Through attending these meetings, I have re-discovered my passion for writing, and it has now became an invaluable coping mechanism for me. From subjects such ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    thoughts,
    inspiration,
    confidence,
    sharing
  • Toolbox

    So your treatment team tells you you have all the tools. So you just don't use them. Have they checked your toolbox lately? No, they haven't. They mean well, but if they looked closer, they'd see that it's rusted shut, and you're searching for answers on how to open it and use what's actually inside. Maybe the tools are obsolete. Maybe they've been stolen. You're not sure anymore--you haven't looked inside for so long. No ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    eating disorder,
    #Recovery
  • Things that make me happy... don't always work.

    What makes me happy? Well... how long is a piece of string? The answer... Long or short. There are lots of things that make me happy, but that's all well and good when we're in place that stress, anxiety and depression cannot touch us. I love to read and write it gives me great joy, but that doesn't work when I'm having a reading dry spell or writer's block hits me. I've begun at least ...

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    Tags:
    stress,
    depression,
    Anxiety
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  • My experience with "professionals"

    Please note: This piece contains references to self harm. My experiences with mental health professionals has been... Well, colourful at least. My story begins when I was 15/16, and I was diagnosed with depression from a child psychologist after I had been self harming for a couple of years. To begin with, I thought he was on my side. But as I got better at hiding my self harming, and therefore looked less and less ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Diagnosis,
    bad experience,
    bpd,
    judgemental
  • Smiling outside....Dark soul inside

    Please note: this piece contains references to self-harm and suicide. I am not your average 24 year old girl...I have had these issues start at precious age 15.....High School was so hell filled I chose to block it all out...Age 18 I cut myself for the first time...I had a feeling of control and a sense of doing something I feel I deserve...Fast Forward to 2014....Started harming again and deep dark depression, thought about ending ...

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    Tags:
    depression
  • My Spiritual Recovery Experience

    My spiritual recovery has four aspects: 1. I do not have to be ill to lead an unreal or untrue life. 2. I do not have to be well to lead a real or true life. 3. I can be unreal or untrue due to the complexities of my illness. 4. I can be real and true about the complexities of my illness. 1. It seems to me vast posses of people are able to ...

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    Tags:
    spiritual emergence,
    depression,
    recovery journey
  • The Stigma of BPD - Seen in Professionals

    I was initially diagnosed with depression and after a while borderline personality disorder was diagnosed too. This is how I experienced the change in attitudes when this happened. I am depressed - we are here at any time I have BPD - stop wasting our time I am depressed - we can see you are distressed I have BPD - you are not distressed at all I am depressed - we know self harming is ...

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    Tags:
    stigma,
    depression,
    BPD,
    borderline personality disorder
  • How Can You Understand ?!

    How can you begin to understand a messed up mixed up depressed mind. I fear I’ll never be understood, I fear the more ppl I encounter with will run when they try to piece together or understand me as a whole! Me explaining why I think like that or why I act like that is as hard as solving a math problem without being taught. I can’t explain it , I wouldn’t know where to ...

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    Tags:
    depression
  • Let Me Speak

    The fear of having no voice. I scream & shout but still there’s no sound. . . I lost my voice well I thought I did. So I stop writing & I stop believing. All my misbeliefs and heartache and overthinking started consuming my mind body & soul. Not good! To put in words how, I wouldn’t even know what to start with. If I start rambling on, just let me ! I seem all ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicide,
    suicidal thoughts,
    life,
    Thinking
  • What Someone With A Mental Health Condition Looks Like

    What Someone With a Mental Health Condition Looks Like Well yeah, I have mental health conditions but I don't look any different from anyone else. Some people think that you need to look ill or sad to prove you have a mental health condition but in reality, it is something that doesn't always show! I have suffered with mental health conditions most of my life, but for the past year, things have gotten worse. I ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    recovery
  • My Mental Wealth

    My Mental Wealth Story While working in a stressful job as senior manager in NHS, I became depressed and suicidal, lonely and despairing. Something had to change...and it did. I had a break-down or, as I later called it,- a break-through. I went through a process, lifestyle changes, prescriptions and various therapeutic activities that helped me to get my mental wealth back. My mental wealth includes: friendships and time with friends; meditation, both mindfulness and ...

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    Tags:
    metta,
    depression,
    mindfulness,
    despair,
    stress
  • Shedding the label

    ' I will survive' by Gloria Gaynor. I do not like this song, perhaps I did once. Survive defined as : continue to live or exist, especially in spite of danger or hardship. I do not wish to merely live or exist I wish to feel alive..to be free of danger or hardship. I rotate the dial on the car radio and eliminate the disco beat from my ears....the lyrics linger... fluttering, around my head ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    survival,
    domestic abuse
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  • Straggler

    Its been 8 years. 8 long years... How have I survived this long? The urge to end it all comes and goes, yet when I reach my highest, I am still unhappy. I should be happy, not much is going wrong in my life and most things are going right. I work nights, earning my meals while dragging my heels, alright money. My parents are there for me and I have 3 very good friends ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Helplessness
  • End of the line

    It all ended on the longest day of the year, around 9pm I received a text message from her, saying that she was sorry and that she never felt the same way I did from the start. "I've completely led you on, none of this is your fault" "I've had unsure feelings from the start". It turns out what she meant was, from the first time I spoke to her, she knew things would never ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    rejection
  • I survived

    Please Note: This Story Discusses Suicide... When I look back to this time last year- I wanted to die. I did everything to hurt myself. I cut my wrists, I starved myself and I made several attempts to end my life. I had no future and no life and I wanted it all to end. I don't know exactly what happened between then and now, but now I know that self- destruction is no longer ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    #suicide,
    #Recovery,
    hope,
    survival
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  • Today it is Hard

    Today it is easy being a flip flop girl I am funny, confident & bubbly I am happy, enjoying life I am wearing my pink flip flops Today it is hard being a flip flop girl Where has that funny & confident person gone? Unhappy, no joy in life I am wearing my pink flip flops Today it is easy being a flip flop girl I am intelligent, diligent & creative I listen, give good ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    depression,
    despair,
    Flipflops
  • Emotions

    Emotional waves of razors and glass Thick, heavy darkness that will not pass Trapped alone in a metal barred head Going through the motions of the already dead Unseen through layers of disguises and masks Allowing the program to complete daily tasks Anxious enough to jump out of my skin Don't know where the parts end and where I begin Feeling like a child and looking like a freak No hope and no care, the ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    emotions,
    suicidal thoughts,
    poem,
    self harm
  • Flip Flop Ramblings

    I Love the sound the filp flops make. The flip, the flop. The sharp THWACK on the sole of your foot is somewhat invigorating and comforting all at the same time. Thwack - I like the word.....thwack......very onomatopaeic. I do however hate the thwack sound a daddy-long-legs makes against the ceiling when you are trying to sleep. In fact, I have an irrational fear of crane flies. I even wrenched my neck once, when one ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    happiness,
    flipflops
  • So you hate yourself.....l

    So...you hate yourself. I have been there too. I have looked in the mirror and thought "what a waste of space you are" I have wished that I was dead. But......then I realised that all the things I believed in my head were not true. They were feelings - not facts. They were feelings based upon someone else's opinion of me - infact society's opinion of me just because I was struggling with an illness ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    depression
  • In quick sand

    I have a load of things bothering me at the minute I haven't seen my kids properly in a few months down to not having anywhere to take them asi have split from my wife of 14 years another. Thing that's bothering me is she has moved on and is now dating I'm not so bothered about her dating as we had grown apart I just thought it was quick but anyway that's life people ...

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    Tags:
    depression
  • Intro

    Ben, Congratulations, you're now 80 years old and hopefully that means you didn't stick to the deal you made with yourself at 21. Right now I'm pretty unsure of how I feel. I guess I'd say I feel like a blank canvas but that doesn't quite do it... There's this feeling of frustration that I have constantly inside me, it feels like its about to burst out at any moment but it never does, it ...

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    Tags:
    depression
  • Be Your Own Best Friend

    Be your own best friend- Look at you. You are still here. Still here, alive, with us and living. You've overcome so much, and yet the battle goes on. All you've achieved- amazing and more successful than most. Some dark days, some just days. Days you feel numb, or sad or nothing. But you do still have days. Those days are yours, you earned them. Darkness is never far from your mind. But it's your ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    surviving,
    recovery,
    healing,
    Poem
  • 'I Paid.'

    I'd gone to visit a friend and we'd been drinking. He had moved away and I rarely got to see him, so we were having a good catch-up and enjoying ourselves. We'd been to a few bars and had then gone back to his apartment to begin drinking the whiskey I'd brought. But within minutes the facade dropped, I couldn't stop crying and I had no energy left to keep up the pretense. My friend ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicidal thoughts,
    male,
    self-hatred,
    guilt
  • My poem saved my life :)

    Last week, the upsetting news of well known actors death shocked millions. It has brought about awareness on how depression can be hidden behind even the happiest of smiles. I am one of those people who hid behind her smile for many years and I would love to share my story with you. I am the girl next door. The girl that smiles as you pass her by in the street. The best friend who ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    mental health,
    support,
    taking control,
    self-help
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  • Death of a celebrity

    It’s so sad to hear that someone whose persona, energy and work was so lovingly admired, has taken their own life. I am so glad for all of the open conversations that are popping up all across the media and social media. I haven’t heard one sick joke about his death, which is refreshing, instead I’ve heard compassion and understanding and an out pouring of not just grief, but of people sharing their own experiences ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    talking,
    Suicide
  • How to help a loved one through their depression

    Talking to depressed people can be really depressing! They can be so negative. They can bat away helpful suggestions or complements or comforting words and be so dismissive when you try to help them. But one the most important things to remember? They don't expect you to solve it all or cure them. They don't always need you to come up with a solution. If the solution was that simple they would likely have figured ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    support,
    friendship
  • Wearing my Shadow

    I am learning to own my darkest shadows, perhaps I shall wear Them like a cape. I can hide in Them and bide in Them, until the sun within me rises, and I can breathe again, without choking on Their thick, velvety, folds. Sometimes They are warm, familiar and comforting like liquorice, Others They are cold and isolating, and the wind whips through me to push all of the clouds away, But The Shadows they ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    acceptance,
    strength
  • Depression: A Purge

    Depression: A purge Three words I have come to dread, more than any that could be said 'How are you?': and queries to that effect, I turn my head and look away and change the subject. See I would rather be in bed and I would rather not have raised my hand to brush my teeth today. I would rather have not have dressed myself and I haven't looked in the mirror for days. I ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    inner child,
    Recovery,
    kindness,
    NHS
  • A Chronicle At Daybreak - patience in getting up.

    A chronicle at daybreak - Patience in getting up. Understanding his morning blues when he wakes up and how he gets up was key to Bob's salvation. "Its a delicate, vital process" He admits to himself not to be taken lightly. The sorrow he feels when he awakes is like a mournful cockerel crowing, where long , black, thin shadows prevail and there is a surreal sunrise to overcome with reality to embrace later. He ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    anger,
    self management,
    feelings
  • Adventure of a Lifetime

    I always said I would like to write a book about my journey - maybe this is the time. I can do it in little bite sized chunks which suit me. And what a journey it has been - and still is. 10 years ago in June I tried to take my own life. It made perfect sense at that time as in my head the world and my family would be better off without ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicide,
    PMDD,
    anxiety,
    survival
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  • Affirmative! Roger That.

    Sometimes when we are depressed or become mentally ill, we lose a sense of identity, we lose track of who we are and what we may mean to those around us, as well as our impact on the world. Usually our home lives and ability to work is affected, our family ties can become strained. With that, we lose our sense of worth, we feel pointless, dull, ugly, sluggish, trapped and even as though we ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    pessimism,
    positive thinking,
    Healing,
    negativity
  • The summary of my depression journey

    I suppose I have known for a long time that my job wasn't working for me. I was caught up in the camaraderie and the fact of living in a foreign country helps to cement that. I have never really kept a job very long and this one seemed to be different. I was ambitious and climbed the ladder, with it increasing all the time the hours I worked. Working from home with long days ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    psychiatrist,
    therapist,
    work,
    anti-depressants
  • Opening Up and Ending Stigma

    *DISCLAIMER- I have no medical training and am not a professional or affiliated with any medical professionals, organisations or practises. All the advice I have offered below is anecdotal and comes from personal experience and is not advocated by any mental health professional or personnel. This is advice from one layman to another* I want to talk about a dirty word beginning with 'V'. The one that people use against you because having it makes ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    recovery,
    shame,
    stigma,
    vulnerability
  • Me, Myself and Mania?

    I am creative, I am flowing, the world looks wonderful and bright and people are fascinating and I can connect with everything around me. I see signs and meaning in everything. I am alive! Is depression finally over? Am I overly excited because I’m finally having a good day? Am I manic? Am I guilt tripping for having a bad day? Am I over thinking things? Is this anxiety taking over me now? Take a ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    creativity,
    mania