Father

I've now outlived my father of 48

This past year has been a disaster brought by fate

This stirs up strange feelings

And at times has left me reeling

 

I've outlived Lennon, Elvis and my Dad

I've mixed feelings....am i happy or sad

I've no reason to be overjoyed

But these feelings i can't avoid

 

So where do i go from here

I don't have my father to give me a steer

I feel empty at the thought

But i have memories...that's all i've got

 

I've lived to make my father proud

To my own detriment but i'm bound

With all my thoughts and actions

To get my fathers satisfaction

 

But it's a strange dichotomy

Thinking of my father and me

In my dreams he always looks the same

Not beaten or in pain

 

It seems the only one in pain is me

It's like all my burns are 3rd Degree

When i see him in my dreams i cry

And wake up with tears in my eyes

 

My father wasn't perfect or great

Sometimes we loved but mostly we'd hate

I understand his need to abuse

Back then it's not something that would make the news

 

But is has left it's emotional scars

And my life it has marred

But i try to forgive but can't forget

And try to minimise the effect on the life i haven't lived yet

 

He didn't deserve what happened to him

What was done was the ultimate sin

It's part of my life that i can't change

I can't ignore or re-arrange

 

I try to think not of the past but to the future

No point in talking to my mum, it just changes her

So where do i go now that i've oulived him

My Father who's name was Tim.

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Me

Please note: this story references suicidal thinking

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Mother

This story references abuse.

You had me but i never had youWhy did you do the things that you'd doWhy was i made to feel like the outcast of the familyCouldn't you see the effect it would have on me You and my father fil...

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Soul Satisfaction

I'm searching for a soul satisfactionDirection, Creation and ReactionFrom The Power deep withinForgiving of all sins Buried deep within The SecretAll my pains and regretsWaiting on the t...

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Future changes

 When I was small,I had no worries at all.On the back of my mother and father,I got all the love, knowledge, stregnth and security I could gather. Then BANG!!!My new life had began.At o...

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The Way Out

It is only scary when there is no direction. Even times when I've felt lost, deep in virgin forest, it's okay as long as there is a sense of purpose and direction driving me somewhere.The scariest parts of the journey have been t...

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Back In The Room

Ground Yourself. Back in the Room.4-7-8.Breathe and continue.  “What was that like for you?”Time stops.I can no longer disconnectfrom my dif...

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#recovery,
#challenge
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