Father

I've now outlived my father of 48

This past year has been a disaster brought by fate

This stirs up strange feelings

And at times has left me reeling

 

I've outlived Lennon, Elvis and my Dad

I've mixed feelings....am i happy or sad

I've no reason to be overjoyed

But these feelings i can't avoid

 

So where do i go from here

I don't have my father to give me a steer

I feel empty at the thought

But i have memories...that's all i've got

 

I've lived to make my father proud

To my own detriment but i'm bound

With all my thoughts and actions

To get my fathers satisfaction

 

But it's a strange dichotomy

Thinking of my father and me

In my dreams he always looks the same

Not beaten or in pain

 

It seems the only one in pain is me

It's like all my burns are 3rd Degree

When i see him in my dreams i cry

And wake up with tears in my eyes

 

My father wasn't perfect or great

Sometimes we loved but mostly we'd hate

I understand his need to abuse

Back then it's not something that would make the news

 

But is has left it's emotional scars

And my life it has marred

But i try to forgive but can't forget

And try to minimise the effect on the life i haven't lived yet

 

He didn't deserve what happened to him

What was done was the ultimate sin

It's part of my life that i can't change

I can't ignore or re-arrange

 

I try to think not of the past but to the future

No point in talking to my mum, it just changes her

So where do i go now that i've oulived him

My Father who's name was Tim.

Add your reaction
  • 2
  • 0
  • 2
  • 0

Me

Please note: this story references suicidal thinking

Feeling like i have an alter egoI try to find me and wonder where did me goTrying to decide who is the real meAlter ego or not will i ever see The layers are many and thickI don't know which me...

read more
Tags:
life,
history
  • 0
  • 1
  • 1
  • 1

Mother

This story references abuse.

You had me but i never had youWhy did you do the things that you'd doWhy was i made to feel like the outcast of the familyCouldn't you see the effect it would have on me You and my father fil...

read more
Tags:
the,
past
  • 3
  • 0
  • 2
  • 0

Soul Satisfaction

I'm searching for a soul satisfactionDirection, Creation and ReactionFrom The Power deep withinForgiving of all sins Buried deep within The SecretAll my pains and regretsWaiting on the t...

read more
Tags:
Recovery
  • 0
  • 0
  • 3
  • 0

I am Recovering!

I've only just begun thinking around the idea that I'm actually in recovery.  Being around others with mental health issues and talking has brought this to the forefront of my mind. &...

read more
Tags:
compassion,
Recovery
  • 0
  • 3
  • 0
  • 0

STRENGTHS

 I've never identified with having strengths.  I'm so busy surviving that there isn't much time to stop and take stock of how I've managed in any given situation.  I usually feel a great sense of ...

read more
Tags:
Strengths,
Recovery
  • 0
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0

Survive

 Swimming in a sea of chaos and confusion,Lost, trying to make sense of it.Fighting the merciless undercurrent,Pulling you under, bit my bit. Walking through a fog, dense and thick,Not ...

read more
Tags:
strength,
surviving
  • 2
  • 0
  • 4
  • 1