Path Dependancy

Here I am, in a city that I have looked forward to moving for a very long time, sitting on a comfy chair next this beautiful French balcony and keeping my brain busy trying to figure out what is wrong again while my eyes are going around the people by other windows and down in the street. I like being here, this room that I got by chance in a historical center of the town, the loudness of a big city, a sense of dirt and chaos around me weirdly relaxes me. Yet, something is still bugging me. 

Around the age of 16, I had already accepted my sexual identity and I thought accepting myself for who I am and how I feel would save me from the dark cloud that follows me throughout my teenage years. When you realize that you are not you expect, and expected to be, it is not only a situation of epiphany, but it is a declaration of inner war to yourself, to your family, to your friends, to everhthing that you have known and acknowledged to be true until at that point of your life.

Now I am 25. I have fought so many past lives and built new ones just to restart all over again. In the meantime, I have left a family stuck in time and culture, a country shaking to its grounds as my homeland, a possible career that could provide me with stability... It was all to build a brand new "me" who is capable of standing on his own feet and secure a safe spot in the priviliged west world as an independent gay man. But I only start to realize now, that once it is broken, it is very hard to create something new without any cracks on it.

Quite often, a cold wind enters through those cracks, and I start shaking. On the happiest days, suddenly I hear a voice from times that I cannot recognize even though it has not been too long since then. A lot of questions arise. Should I try to answer? Is there an answer at all or any use of trying to keep it together? Maybe I can have a couple of cups coffee to warm up, roll some tobacco and make a big cloud of smoke to face my dark one, put some music so that I only hear of the things I choose to recall...

Numb it with a dosage of "everthing will be okay tomorrow."

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