Knowing how to diffuse an arsenal of emotions is part of my well being and education. As the pressing tide of illness sweeps back and forth I am conscious I must not yield to it.
I must mitigate this flow somehow while coping with reality. I would rather not be put to the test so often, as I go about hard wired in the pursuit of providing.
I have two hearts. One at peace the other ready to explode. The peaceful one patiently nurses the sick one. As it beats out a sequence of panic, paranoia and distress.
I am left holding a booby trap hoping the fuse will die out before detonating an emotion a bit like a cartoon character.
This uses up a lot of courage and effort and leaves me self-absorbed, withered and trembling. Till I can reapply myself.
As you can see I have always wanted to work despite my illness although no one has the power to help me in my affliction.
It is an intense occupation that I do alone. A regular trial of anguish and suspense. It is my terror. So I man up about it like in the film the 'Hurt Locker'.
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