Diffusing My Atomic Heart

Knowing how to diffuse an arsenal of emotions is part of my well being and education. As the pressing tide of illness sweeps back and forth I am conscious I must not yield to it.

I must mitigate this flow somehow while coping with reality. I would rather not be put to the test so often, as I go about hard wired in the pursuit of providing.

I have two hearts. One at peace the other ready to explode. The peaceful one patiently nurses the sick one. As it beats out a sequence of panic, paranoia and distress.

I am left holding a booby trap hoping the fuse will die out before detonating an emotion a bit like a cartoon character.

This uses up a lot of courage and effort and leaves me self-absorbed, withered and trembling. Till I can reapply myself.

As you can see I have always wanted to work despite my illness although no one has the power to help me in my affliction.

It is an intense occupation that I do alone. A regular trial of anguish and suspense. It is my terror. So I man up about it like in the film the 'Hurt Locker'.

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O To Pursue The New

Pursuing new things is exhausting and taxes the emotions of my illness. I am aware that others may always be doing and trying new things. I can not keep up with them.I would be happy with a few new things every now and then. I would be h...

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Newness
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An Ode To Livid Fathers

So I was born to adult life with a damaged money gene to provide with? To the incandescent rage of my father and to the consternation of my contemporaries! Excruciating!So I am glad I got myself baptised with this faulty treasure. I say,...

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Forgiveness
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The Fires Of The Day

O, to possess a talent for lasting the whole day, week, month or year!Those monolithic fortresses are gifts I can only hope to admire.I may never realise them securely.I work, I am strong but it does not last, I am consumed...

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Lived Experience,
Reality
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Learning to Breathe

Life these days hasn´t been easy for me. Work is stressful and it takes a lot of my energy, I am always feeling drained, tired, unmotivated. I want to paint more often, i want to read fun books, i want to spend time with my friends, i wan...

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anxiety,
stress
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Alone And Single-Handed

O what a gift independence is! To secure a reality through hard work. To have worked alone and single-handedly though no man is an island. Surely this will woe employers in these failing times I am hard-wired to believe?In the meantime a...

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Tags:
courage,
self encouragement
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Alone And Single-Handed

O what a gift independence is! To secure a reality through hard work. To have worked alone and single-handedly though no man is an island. Surely this will woe employers in these failing times I am hard-wired to believe?In the meantime a...

read more
Tags:
courage,
self encouragement