Courage

Courage

All I need to say is

"I need your help. Could you please come over and make me a cup of tea, I can't do it myself."

You see that all of my limbs are intact

so you don't understand why you need to travel half an hour through the city

to make me tea.

What you don't see

is that my brain has turned deep dark blue.

The air around me has doubled in density

I can't push through it.

That's not exactly true,

I could force myself to go to the kitchen

fill the kettle

find a clean cup

but latest when I open the cupboard and shakily take out the teabags

I'll start crying

again

overwhelmed from feeling so weak

slumping down onto the kitchen floor.

The water will boil, but by the time I stop crying it will be cold again.

And I just managed to put myself back together

so not moving seems like the smarter choice.
 

I wish I could actually turn blue when I feel blue

then I wouldn't have to beg you

please believe me, this is real.

I need your help.

It's so hard for me to say this.

I worry what it'll do to you when you see me like this.

Broken into a million little pieces,

not myself.

 

I have practiced all my life to put on a brave face and smile

while I silently scream from the top of my lungs

But what I now understand is

that I don't need to scream

I just need to say

"I need your help."

 

For me, that takes the same courage

as jumping out of a plane knowing that there is a 50/50 chance that your parachute will open

just that the parachute, that's you.

I need to trust that you are ok with me asking for your time

even when I'm not all that entertaining.

That you can stand me when I start crying in the middle of a sentence

That you won't think less of me when you see me ugly-cry into a pillow.

 

And as difficult as it is,

I know that learning to ask for help will not only keep me healthy

it is also more authentic, true and... normal.

 

So I take a deep breath and I jump:

"I need your help."

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