Patterns : Relationship (Ctrl +Alt + Del)

I arrived with time to spare at counselling today.  

I noticed the lady beside me in the waiting area looked like Bettie Page; short fringe, long dark hair, 50s style I can only dream of. 

My counsellor arrived and led me to a new room. It was softly lit and had a decorative bowl of rocks on the table where I plonked my water bottle. One had a groove on  it that would exactly fit my thumb. Terracotta, smooth. I wanted to reach for it but decided against it. 

'How are you feeling about your academic work this week?' she enquires; after all, we have deduced so far that my inability to succeed at it has been the cause of a lot of my issues. 

"Very good" I respond. I mean it. Last week I asked my brother to help me understand the computer program I now use (he did, and also bought me my favourite take away food) and this week I wrote code that worked. I'm a step closer to my goals and to achieve something I've been attacking for seven months has brought a massive sense of relief. 

"I'm getting that sense of relief; you appear visibly more relaxed and your demeanour has changed when talking about it. Excellent". 

10.15am. Still 45 minutes on the clock. 

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?" 

I did not expect to have to think about this. Turns out that I didn't need to think because "WHOOSH" the brain signals and the mouth opens. 

Relationship. 

8 years . 

Struggling. Sad I don't know what to do. Can't talk about us. Confused. Hurt. Conscious I cause hurt. I'm selfish. I can't change. I'm independent but scared to be alone. Nervous. Afraid of sending confusing messages. Restricting myself. Caring but also ignorant. Reckless but deliberate. Eager to please but unwilling to bend. Self-conscious. Aware we want different things. Scared of resentment. Scared for our future. 

10.45am. 

"I can tell there's such mixed emotions there. Passion and sadness, frustration and guilt. You sound overwhelmed" 

Absolutely. I am exhausted. I worry about my course. My family. Money. Myself. Body image. Health. Future. This was the one thing that I shouldn't be hard but at the moment, is. And that's sad. I'm tired of disappointing. Of coming across as irritable. As angry. As unwilling. As uninterested. So I guess that's something I'll really need to think on. It's not a computer program I can ask for help with and it'll work in a week; this will take a lot more. 

11am. 

It's only then I realise my eyes burning from the tears I held back. 

Add your reaction
  • 3
  • 1
  • 2
  • 1

How?

It's meant to be a time of starting fresh. Landed my dream job, start in 2 weeks. Really looking forward to it. But we're skint. I'm going to have to keep on my 4am finish bar job until about 3 weeks in to the new j...

read more
Tags:
  • 0
  • 0
  • 1
  • 1

Scratch

Am burst.  Too many failures in such a short time has left me utterly burst. Left my PhD. Applied for a medical writer job and got rejected. Thought I had a job now and that's basic...

read more
Tags:
  • 0
  • 0
  • 3
  • 0

I Sell Smiles

I sell a smile with every drink,brief interactionswith souls dancing in the night.   I fill vials of poison, venomous green, handed to strangers who fervently gulpto forget th...

read more
Tags:
coping strategies,
depression
  • 0
  • 2
  • 1
  • 1

Endings

EndingsA happy endingIs what I'm sendingTo all who have travelledAnd all who have babbledTo all who have spokenAnd to all who've been brokenIf a new chapter, with laughterIs what y...

read more
Tags:
T
  • 0
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0

The Heroic Journey

The Heroic JourneyA/My Heroic JourneyA Hero's To Do ListToday - as they say"Do the right thing and the right thing will happen"Although as you may know, "Billy don't be a Hero" ..;.

read more
Tags:
taking,
control
  • 0
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0

Vulnerability

VulnerabilitySelf talk/choices/affirmations, poetry... Vulnerability...You show me yours, and I'll show you mineIf we cannae find it, we will be fine...We can take our timeWho knows what will happen, down ...

read more
Tags:
Self,
Vulnerability.
  • 0
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0