Patterns : Relationship (Ctrl +Alt + Del)

I arrived with time to spare at counselling today.  

I noticed the lady beside me in the waiting area looked like Bettie Page; short fringe, long dark hair, 50s style I can only dream of. 

My counsellor arrived and led me to a new room. It was softly lit and had a decorative bowl of rocks on the table where I plonked my water bottle. One had a groove on  it that would exactly fit my thumb. Terracotta, smooth. I wanted to reach for it but decided against it. 

'How are you feeling about your academic work this week?' she enquires; after all, we have deduced so far that my inability to succeed at it has been the cause of a lot of my issues. 

"Very good" I respond. I mean it. Last week I asked my brother to help me understand the computer program I now use (he did, and also bought me my favourite take away food) and this week I wrote code that worked. I'm a step closer to my goals and to achieve something I've been attacking for seven months has brought a massive sense of relief. 

"I'm getting that sense of relief; you appear visibly more relaxed and your demeanour has changed when talking about it. Excellent". 

10.15am. Still 45 minutes on the clock. 

"Is there anything else you want to talk about?" 

I did not expect to have to think about this. Turns out that I didn't need to think because "WHOOSH" the brain signals and the mouth opens. 

Relationship. 

8 years . 

Struggling. Sad I don't know what to do. Can't talk about us. Confused. Hurt. Conscious I cause hurt. I'm selfish. I can't change. I'm independent but scared to be alone. Nervous. Afraid of sending confusing messages. Restricting myself. Caring but also ignorant. Reckless but deliberate. Eager to please but unwilling to bend. Self-conscious. Aware we want different things. Scared of resentment. Scared for our future. 

10.45am. 

"I can tell there's such mixed emotions there. Passion and sadness, frustration and guilt. You sound overwhelmed" 

Absolutely. I am exhausted. I worry about my course. My family. Money. Myself. Body image. Health. Future. This was the one thing that I shouldn't be hard but at the moment, is. And that's sad. I'm tired of disappointing. Of coming across as irritable. As angry. As unwilling. As uninterested. So I guess that's something I'll really need to think on. It's not a computer program I can ask for help with and it'll work in a week; this will take a lot more. 

11am. 

It's only then I realise my eyes burning from the tears I held back. 

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