Reflecting- to experience so many recurring personal ills in the midst of temptation is a painful spiritual reality.
Furthermore experiencing temptation and trying not to act upon it requires my strength and compliance. I am certain I would be tried and tested whether I resist or rebel against these visitations. I am a spiritual person with a soul so I resist.
Moreover, in the wrong environment it would be all to easy to fall into vice.
My mental health/illness operates a frighteningly loud and sensitive alarm bell which yells at me when the 'spooky time' is near. Where temptation has intruded into my life to trigger or reveal a potential evil in or around me. When vice would be the extreme elongation of it, if pursued. Very scary indeed.
It is like 'someone' or 'something' is urging me to fail, fall or sin. It demands a conscious test of courage, honesty and resilience to shrug it off. My mental health condition is riveted in suspense with my vulnerable imagination scrutinising, feverishly, each trial. Projecting the outcomes like a calculator.
It seems I can just about resolve these spiritual visits when they occur, for the better. Remaining vigilant, as they may arrive in the middle of a working day. Often after the brutal stress of intense physical work.
The overcoming of it can be exhilarating if I can bear it. Akin to jumping hurdles with the hiccups. I hope to get to the end of the day and reach the finishing line. Without getting too emotionally tired and having a collision with a nervous breakdown.
Its like the tempter has whispered in my ear – “what sort of transgressor are you then, mate?” - with the intensity of a thousand expectant voices.
It is certainly an experience tied to mental illness because thankfully, nothing has actually transpired in word or deed just the excruciating fear of it.
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