Stuck between a rock and a hard place

They took her in and she whispered to them "I think I'm God". She’s having to whisper cause the only other person she told seemed freaked out - she’s not sure why. She’s been holding this in for so long - she could burst - thank god it's out now - what a relief - they can all move forward - it's great - after a wee rest they can work out what she knows because surely she must know a lot if she’s God.


She thought they'd say "Oh - I'm so pleased you've said that at last - we've been waiting so long for you to tell us" - but they didn't. There was a half smile on his face as he left the room. He came back with others and said she should go with them. So they took her away. She thinks they know deep down that she’s God - but it's a big deal - she’ll need to prove it.


Right - she’ll work with them - she’ll let them see what she can do - what she means. It'll be hard doing this here - here in this place - but then they'll know and it'll be out and she’ll be able to relax and just get on with things.

But what's this? - she’s dancing and being good but they don't seem to like it - they're all rushing towards her - what in hells name are they doing?

They’re all here now - maybe five of them - one's a huge rock of a man - and she’s just a wee thing - all bones and manic exhaustion - they've got a needle and it's big - like really big! She’s terrified and she can't breathe and they're all on top of her and she’s angry - she’s SO angry - but she’s strong - how did she get so strong? And she’s resisting them and they don't like it - and she’s screaming but they don't seem to hear her - they paralyse her to silence..........

She can't rouse herself - it's like a semi coma would be - she doesn’t like it - her skin is crawling and her veins feel full of poison - she doesn’t think she deserves this. She can't move.
She falls away into a deep cavern of nothing. She’s in a kind of hollow emptiness - removed from herself. No dreaming - no peace - no rest.

Then she wakes - she’s in a LOCKED WARD. She was a student - she had a job - she was trying to live a normal life and do good things.

She thinks maybe they’re all in here because they know too much - maybe they’re hot property. Maybe they’ve been singled out and caught - need to be watched and altered. Changed to fit in. To keep the status quo. Maybe the staff have to find out how much they know. This is getting tricky now. You see - she thinks she knows what they know but she also thinks that they might know that she knows that. She thinks she needs to play the game - then they’ll see she’s one of them.

She’ll get out of this and go back to her good life. It'll be no problem. She can do that -she’ll get them to understand and get out of here and get back to normal.

 

But then they say - "sorry - it'll be a while before you can go home and you can't go out just now - no - NOT AT ALL. "Its ok" they say - "you'll be fine in a while". She doesn’t know what a while means.

Her lovely friend brings her cigarettes - every day she brings her cigarettes. Ok she thinks - she’ll just smoke and wait - she’ll wait and she’ll wait - she has to be good at that in here.

Right, she thinks - “I’ll create a music room - or will that make me look more mad” - She’s trying to look sane.

She’s lost all sense of time now and she’s resigned herself to the system - there's no getting out of here with its bolts and doors and keys - big fat bunches of keys.

She’s going to have to wait this out - she can't let them see what she’s really thinking or she’ll never get out - she’ll never get out to her good life - but she’ll make that happen - she can do that - she can fool them - they won't know.

They don't seem to be getting her. Looks like she can't make them understand this. She’ll need to change tack. She’ll work the system - she knows what to do - she was a nurse - she gets it.

She’ll get them on her side - she doesn’t know which side she’s on or which she really wants to be on but the ones holding the keys seem a better bet. For getting out anyway. She’ll watch what they do, how they move and conduct themselves and she’ll copy that - it'll make them think she’s one of them. You know - like sane. Then they'll like her more and she might get out on walks and they might talk to her and realise she doesn’t have to be in here. She’ll have to stop dancing and singing so much though.


They'll be a process - from here she’ll probably go to a more open ward for a while. She thinks that might be easier, maybe even fun, might be some nice people there. Less intense.

But time's ticking on and she’s still here - they're pumping her full of pills - she thinks that's how they get their information from her. Or, she thinks that maybe she has a microchip in her brain and they can read what it says.

Her body doesn't like it here either - her face is covered in cysts and her weight is slowly ballooning - what a shame - she got so fit and healthy in her good life - but she’ll get back to that - she’ll become that again when she gets out ......

Things are starting to get all mushy and fuzzy now, they're heavy and sticky. Not so floaty and springy - more viscous and thick. She has no privacy - she’s watched in the toilet - can't bathe alone - she’s not sure what they think she’ll do there.

After a couple of days her mind is getting slower and weaker and it's like it's shutting down - it's all a swirly muddle.

She thinks they're removing her thoughts - maybe when she’s sleeping - she’s not sure. "Oh, you seem to be getting better", they say but it doesn't seem that way to her. If this is getting better she’d rather be getting worse. "You'll get to the open ward soon" they say - doesn't seem so appealing now - she just wants to sleep - maybe forever.

She’s lost her resolve now - she thinks that went when they took her thoughts away. She can't see a way back to where she wants to be. Maybe there is no going back - maybe that's the point. She hopes she doesn’t have to find a different route - she feels she just doesn’t have the energy - but then again - of course she has - just give her more time.



 

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