The Dimensions And Structure Of My Psychosis

At the centre of my affliction lie all my paranoid fears. From the tiniest of unreal-isms to the greatest.

Moreover the foundation of my mind is shaken regularly by “Someone” who hates me.

That “person, spirit or thought” could evolve from me or come from others. It might be an impression that has developed awry according to the accepted reality of the outside world. It is always cruel and troublesome.

This forces my artistic imagination to over exaggerate and malfunction as it attempts to articulate a message of explanation from the episodes it senses.

A lame but important attribute of my mind shouting out about life. Too sensitive and too sore. I am scared I will not make sense of it.

Yes, someone or something must have injured me with a succession of events at crucial times of my development and my response was to become ill.

I do not remember exactly how or when, or how many blows or traumas have contributed. It is an open wound and scares me to pieces. Ironically, I don't blame or accuse anyone except superficially.

I tend to accept it as my lot though I get frustrated and angry with myself at times. Luckily love has always taken advantage over the hatred I could feel in return.

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O To Pursue The New

Pursuing new things is exhausting and taxes the emotions of my illness. I am aware that others may always be doing and trying new things. I can not keep up with them.I would be happy with a few new things every now and then. I would be h...

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Newness
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An Ode To Livid Fathers

So I was born to adult life with a damaged money gene to provide with? To the incandescent rage of my father and to the consternation of my contemporaries! Excruciating!So I am glad I got myself baptised with this faulty treasure. I say,...

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Tags:
Forgiveness
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The Fires Of The Day

O, to possess a talent for lasting the whole day, week, month or year!Those monolithic fortresses are gifts I can only hope to admire.I may never realise them securely.I work, I am strong but it does not last, I am consumed...

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Tags:
Lived Experience,
Reality
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Learning to Breathe

Life these days hasn´t been easy for me. Work is stressful and it takes a lot of my energy, I am always feeling drained, tired, unmotivated. I want to paint more often, i want to read fun books, i want to spend time with my friends, i wan...

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Tags:
anxiety,
stress
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Alone And Single-Handed

O what a gift independence is! To secure a reality through hard work. To have worked alone and single-handedly though no man is an island. Surely this will woe employers in these failing times I am hard-wired to believe?In the meantime a...

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Tags:
courage,
self encouragement
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Alone And Single-Handed

O what a gift independence is! To secure a reality through hard work. To have worked alone and single-handedly though no man is an island. Surely this will woe employers in these failing times I am hard-wired to believe?In the meantime a...

read more
Tags:
courage,
self encouragement