Normal

​​​​I just want to be like everyone else. 

On days like today, when I am forced to choose whats best for my mental wellbeing over living a more "normal" life I feel so frustrated and angry with my life. Its like having to choose between something healthy that does you good, or something yummy that doesn't.

Today was one of those "shudda wudda cudda" days when you never quite know did I do make the right decision? When someone else has stepped into the shoes I couldnt fill. When something else has reminded me the reasons why that didnt work for me before, why I had to remove myself from that environment. But, then I think, did I do enough? Did I push myself enough? Did I miss an opportunity to grow?

Why cant I be like everyone else and just get on with it? I know why, because I know who I am. I know my strengths and weaknesses better than anyone. I know which battles to fight and which to lose. I do it for myself. Why cant I be like everyone else and take risks? I know why, because some risks are not worth the prize when it rips your brain to shreds.

The real question is, why can't I just be me, accepting myself and being accepted for who I am? Why can't we all just be ourselves? There is no real measure of normality. Who alone has the right to judge? Just me, I am my judge and jury. We each have our own individual contribution and value to add to society. 

I must try to remember that. I must not try to be "normal." I am enough.

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