I dont know who I am

I DONT RECOGNISE MYSELF

At 37 years old I do not know who I am.

I am still Suzanne, a mum of 4 children but that is all that remains of the person who 18 months ago was diagnosed with PND. Gone is the happy, content busy working mum with a nice home and loving partner and she has been replaced by an angry single stay at home mum who sometimes still struggles through the day.

Dont get me wrong I think I am over the worst of my depression, I am no longer in hospital, I have not self harmed in 10 months but I am still on medication, I still occassionally self medicate, I have so much anger inside me and dont know where to direct it and most of all an overwhelming sadness, a grief for my life before PND. 

Why me? Why my family? What did I do wrong?

I ask myself these questions every day. I wrongly blame my babies dad for everything that went wrong, I am anxious. i am insecure. I dont want to feel like this.

I struggle to focus on how far I have come and congratulate myself for all the things I do well in a day and instead I upset myself thinking about what goes wrong or it has recently been said to me I look for the negative in everything,

I think that may be true because I dont feel worthy of anything good. I am always waiting for something to go wrong because thats what I deserve. Is it not? 

Add your reaction
  • 2
  • 1
  • 1
  • 1
There are no other stories

What's behind it all?

I am so rarely angry now.  I can't really remember the last time I felt pure rage.  Maybe irritation or frustration, but not anger.  Not for a while.  But then a couple of days ago he asked me what I thought was undernea...

read more
Tags:
  • 2
  • 1
  • 1
  • 0

Mathematics

My conscience must balance the following personal equation to zero. It goes... I would have welcomed less and existed better in a more equal and more truthfully, transparent society. And then… however I would now recoil at having less in...

read more
Tags:
Anger,
Reasonable
  • 0
  • 1
  • 1
  • 0

Grinch

I am so annoyed.How can hospitals mess up so badly? How can they make one person go through 3 heart operations in four weeks? How can he keep getting infected?Why can't he be the happy, healthy man he should be. Why is life so...

read more
Tags:
  • 0
  • 0
  • 2
  • 0