I DONT RECOGNISE MYSELF
At 37 years old I do not know who I am.
I am still Suzanne, a mum of 4 children but that is all that remains of the person who 18 months ago was diagnosed with PND. Gone is the happy, content busy working mum with a nice home and loving partner and she has been replaced by an angry single stay at home mum who sometimes still struggles through the day.
Dont get me wrong I think I am over the worst of my depression, I am no longer in hospital, I have not self harmed in 10 months but I am still on medication, I still occassionally self medicate, I have so much anger inside me and dont know where to direct it and most of all an overwhelming sadness, a grief for my life before PND.
Why me? Why my family? What did I do wrong?
I ask myself these questions every day. I wrongly blame my babies dad for everything that went wrong, I am anxious. i am insecure. I dont want to feel like this.
I struggle to focus on how far I have come and congratulate myself for all the things I do well in a day and instead I upset myself thinking about what goes wrong or it has recently been said to me I look for the negative in everything,
I think that may be true because I dont feel worthy of anything good. I am always waiting for something to go wrong because thats what I deserve. Is it not?
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