Anger is an interesting one with me. I do have anger issues and I think that comes with the territory when suffering with depression, but we all have anger within in us as we need it as human beings and it is there to protect us along with emotions such as anxiety and disgust.
I’m not your obvious angry person as my personality is shy, quiet and introverted. I almost never get into arguments with people as I hate confrontation and saw enough of that growing up. I was exposed to a lot of anger growing up with the constant arguments and fights between usually my eldest sister and my mum.
Where my eldest sister was your typical angry person where she’d go into a rage shouting, being very confrontational and doing idiotic stuff like when she kicked a glass door in a rage and her leg went right through it and cut her up pretty bad. But, while I understood my sister’s grievances as I felt the same growing up in that environment, I just thought it was pointless because ultimately, she was angry at my mum for being an alcoholic and that was her way of expressing her disapproval of it.
But my parents weren’t going to change because my sister was shouting at them and if anything, it just exacerbated things and that’s why I thought it was pointless. My parents had to find it within themselves to change and they eventually did.
My way of handling anger was to contain it within and not show it. Of course, this wasn’t a conscious choice of mine, that’s just naturally the way I dealt with it. There were a lot of times where I was terrified during my childhood, especially during the numerous fights and confrontation as I was always scared that It would descend into violence.
So, my childhood certainly made me angry and I still think I resent my parents to this day. I mean, I talk to my parents and I’m very civil with them and have decent relationships with them as I do like them as people but I don’t think I have much respect for them as parents and I could never use them for emotional support. I just see my parents as two people with problems trying to get through life in their own way, but as a kid you want to see your parents as much more than that and it’s just very disappointing and sad.
So, I am somebody who contains his anger within which I know is not healthy and has no doubt contributed to my issues with anxiety and depression throughout my life.
When you have very little to live for and you’re not suicidal then your only real goal in life is to limit the misery as much as possible and I managed that somewhat when I was a recluse. I mean, when you’re a recluse it is very depressing but you can limit some of the really acute emotions/feelings such as desperation, fear, anxiety and hopelessness, but out here living reality it is extremely difficult to manage that. So, I think I get pissed off at just having to live life because of all the negative feelings that come with it.
Last year in College I was so lost, everything was getting to me. I am shy, quiet and introverted so I get isolated in situations such as College but that’s the preferable option for me because making friends or being part of a group of friends is too much for me and makes me anxious and puts an extreme amount of pressure on me.
I’m also not the brightest so I struggle badly with the work as well, I had to do coursework last year which was a big part of the course and what I had to do was write a computer program and that part of the coursework was only meant to take eight hours of class time, but it ended up taking me thirty hours to do it right. Okay, I ended up getting the highest coursework mark in the class and that mark contributed greatly to me getting an A but it was not worth it.
I managed to put thirty hours in because the software we used in class is available for free on the internet so I could try and figure it out at home and I remember last year I spent eight hours on the Saturday working away at it but still couldn’t get it, so I spent another six hours at it the following Sunday and I was also doing it on week nights and the eight hours of class time so it consumed me.
I say it was not worth it because I was getting those acute feelings of desperation, hopelessness, fear and anxiety and my mood dropped so much because I felt so stupid and when your suicidal thoughts coincide with a really low mood then that’s when things start to get dangerous. I really don’t think I was too far off taking the decision to end my life at this point.
The thought of going into College with not being able to get the program to work was unbearable and that’s why I put so much effort into it. But, effort doesn’t matter in life if you can’t produce the end product which is really unfair because intelligence is one of those things that humans don’t have much control over. In situations such as work and College I will always put the effort in but I fail at things because I struggle to understand things at times.
But, on this occasion I managed to survive and got 58/60 for my coursework and done the exam and I needed to get 47/90 in the exam to get an A because I got that coursework mark so I managed to get that A.
But I get pissed off with the way life is where you feel like you’re working your ass off and never getting anywhere. Living life constantly gives me that feeling of wanting to throw myself off a tall building. But, maybe that’s the way life is meant to be.
I have an issue as well because success and achievement doesn’t give me any good feeling. Me getting that A meant absolutely nothing to me, but the fear of failure and fear of looking like an idiot drove me on.
You do these courses that don’t interest you and mean nothing to you and you get the silly mark and qualification for that course which then allows you to do the next course and it repeats until you get all the silly little marks and qualifications. And, once you’ve got all the silly little marks and qualifications you then start getting interviews for jobs and doing jobs that you have no interest in simply because you need money to survive, and I don’t want to survive either but I’m too scared to go through with suicide so I’m trapped here in life living a life I don’t want to live.
I know, the key is to find something that you enjoy and are interested in but nothing interests me and there isn’t much in life that I enjoy and that’s the problem I have, but I have to do something to survive until such times that I take that decision to end my life. I’m stuck here having to do things that I don’t want to do and that makes me feel like complete and utter crap.
Jobs and money mean absolutely nothing to me. This desire people have to obtain houses, cars, holidays and buying the latest this and that just seems completely and utterly pointless to me. The futility of life wouldn’t bother me so much if life wasn’t a constant struggle.
And, the fact I’m 33 years old and never been in relationship. That annoys me as well because it’s the one thing in life that I actually think might have some meaning to it, but I could never handle a relationship like that. I am terrified of emotional and physical intimacy.
I could never bring myself to kiss a woman or have sex as physical intimacy terrifies me, but this doesn’t bother me at all because while I’m sure sex is enjoyable, it’s something I can obviously live without. It’s the lack of emotional intimacy that I feel I’m missing out on, just having somebody that I could love and share my deeper most thoughts and emotions with and being completely comfortable and in sync with that person, but I know I will never have that and the thought that I’ll never have that tears me apart. I would just love to have that companionship in life so although I’m a recluse, loner, shy and withdrawn, it’s not a way I want to be but I feel I need to be like that to survive. But, your personality gets defined as you grow up and it’s not something I think we have a lot of control over.
However, emotional intimacy terrifies me as well as it involves having complete trust in a person and handing over the keys to your heart and emotional well-being to that person. I don’t think I could ever do that as the thought of me doing that and things going wrong, well - I just don’t think I could handle that. So, I do what I must to survive and shut everybody out and what’s the point, just so I don’t get hurt! So, I’m practically living life as a scared little kid who is terrified of everything and I can’t escape from it. That’s kind of what it feels like, as if I’m a kid who is trying to deal with an adult’s life.
As an adult I have tried desperately to change who I am but I just can’t do it. And, my psychologist at the moment is trying to teach me better ways of approaching life but I’m not sure if that’s working. I want so desperately for something to work with me because I can’t sustain living life with the way I am.
I don’t believe in anything though, I’m not a religious person so I don’t believe in God or that there is an afterlife or anything of that sort. It actually comforts me believing there is a permanent end to this because what is the alternative? That you live forever in some form, now that sounds like hell to me. I mean, if there is an afterlife and it’s anything like this life then it’s not something I would want to be a part of. I’m quite happy for what we’re experiencing at the moment to be all there is.
But, out of all the things I’ve mentioned that I’m angry at, there is really only one thing that I am truly angry about and, it is me that I’m angry with, I’m the problem. Yes, the world is a messed up place and there is plenty to get angry about but the majority of it you can’t control, but you can control you and your emotions and how you approach life, and I know a lot of the time it doesn’t feel like that either but we can control ourselves and how we approach life much more than we can change things we can’t control.
If life was fair which we all know that it’s not then people like me who don’t want to be here and would happily take death would be able to exchange their lives for people who genuinely want to be here but have been struck down by incurable or terminal illnesses.
I know what I’ve wrote probably comes across as really negative but these are some of the struggles I have and writing them down certainly helps. I’ll try and make my next piece of writing a bit more positive because my life situation now is a lot more positive than it has been for many years. I appreciate anybody who has taken the time to read what I’ve wrote, so if anybody reads this then thank you.
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