My story is one of the many small hits that led to the darkest moment I have faced, and how I have come out of it.
To start, I am, or at the time I thought I was a very happy outgoing person, without too much detail things began to slide, the job I loved was taken away from me when I was moved to a new one by my company, it was stressful but I felt like I was doing well, then my partner began to do less at home, the balance shifted so I did the majority of the chores, I tried not to judge, but I work in health, sometimes my day would be life and death, I would arrive home to mess hell. He would tell me that he hadn't done anything. Because he had had a stressful day too, working in the cafe, I sympathised but it was hard to understand. I stopped going out , stayed quiet and put myself into work.
I realised my relationship wasn't healthy, and spent a few months mulling it over, it was New Years when I was invited out with some friends when I broke, I asked my partner if he wanted to come, he said no so I put on a dress and went to leave, he told me not to and said I looked like a whore, so I left. When I came back the shouting started, I asked for a breakup, I hadn't had much to drink, but enough to feel more confidence than usual, he flipped, crying shouting begging, and I broke. I can't remember much over the next few days, our flatmate had his daughter over, she was four and it helped me to sit up and smile, I couldn't disappoint her. I went back to work, I dread to think how my driving was that day, and from days of being hunched up my back gave out, my colleague was late and she found me crying stuck in a chair trying to alphabetise some new drugs.
A week later my best friend and my housemate sat with me after I had tried to break my arm. I kicked my partner out, slept for a day, and woke up like it had been a nightmare.
Over the next few weeks I recovered, there were many moments where I needed support from my friends and family, they are my heroes, and my biggest heroes are my now fiancé and his daughter, i am not one to jump to relationships, but he is my exception, his own story of how he had come to be living in my house is very sad and far too personal for me to share, but over the years we had always been there for the hard times.
From the other side I can say, one thing at a time, small steps to fix each thing until you no longer have the same problems, there will always be new problems, that is the nature of living, but also there are always new things worth being around for.
So step one was kicking the ex out. I found the trip to the tip with my best friend to throw the stuff he wouldn't take was very cathartic.
Step two: work life balance, my job is not my life, I loved the job I was in, but I needed to be closer to home, I requested a transfer to a surgery closer to home and pushed until I had it. I now have more time and motivation to help, and when I finish I feel happy with the work I have done.
Step three: home, I knew from the first moment I kissed him, I had never believed in that kind of love, but it is so real, and I am so desperately lucky to have such a wonderful network of people in my life, and I make time for them every week, I make sure there's still some relax time for me, but I find staying involved helps me stay sane.
Its hard to remember that the person who was standing in the kitchen with a knife, or running full pelt at a wall was me. But we can all be pushed to the edge, and often it will be the people who you least suspect. I hope that others who may be lost now can see that it does not have to always be that way, there is always help available and always something worth working towards.
Small steps. It can be done!
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