The Beast

 

The Beast
 
Its 3 30 am and I'm lying here in a different reality to the one that I inhabit normally.   For the most part, I'm enveloped by a beast... a beast that has large black slippery arms and legs.    I am sitting inside the beast whose abdomen is a black place.   Its a place where in order to protect myself, I become infant, foetal, primal, instinctual, isolated, irrational and childlike.     It is this emotional state that enables me to survive the experience...

For the most part, this is the primal place that I operate out from.    I'm astonished that you even present yourself in front of this beast, because you and everyone else are a cakewalk to him, because he controls biologically, physiologically, neurologically, mentally, spiritually and in every way, the 'child' that he owns...

Like most captors,  he's powerful, and he knows it.   He taunts anyone who dares to face up to him because he holds all the cards.  When you dared to take on this beast, I know now that you had no idea of its power and my level of powerlessness.   Had you known, I think you would have ran a mile from the get go.  

Every so often, the beast needs a sleep and so releases its grip for a while.   When this happens I wake in the night with a clarity of mind and thinking so sharp that I believe I'm healed.  Things feel calmer, clearer, together, grown up!!!.. Did I say 'Grown up?'    It feels like a gift... a reminder of who I am, who I am capable of being.      I think about what you have endured ... what it must have been like to be outside of this and see the crazy making chaos.   I'm grateful.   This together with a whole host of 'big grown up feelings' that I find overwhelming and honestly don't know what to do with, leaves me wanting to put things down on paper.   A calmness comes from my stomach and spreads through my body to my extremities and this... well this is special time... time to reflect... time to write about my interlude in a foreign land!   

I'm also aware that no one can see this transition except me.    Its the transition from one altered state of reality to another that the drugs were responsible for.   I'm painfully aware that in a matter of hours, the beast will wake up and re assert its filthy occupation of my mind, body and spirit.    I hope that it will tire of me and lose its grip before I lose mine...

This short lived reality makes me pray to God that one day I can feel this level of consciousness 24/7.    

In my minds eye, the child senses that the beast has fallen asleep, and she crawls tenderly out from its abdomen   Its at that point that the adult inside me sees the child and wants to weep for her struggles, her nightmare, her tortured little soul...
The adult is as adult and together as its possible to be.   She reaches out for the child, pulls her towards her, brushes her hair away from her face.   The child can't speak... too traumatised, but the adult can!!!!!     Its at this point that the adult wants to represent the childs case to the world and at this point I often I speak out loud in an empty room reprimanding naysayers, invalidators, cynics, judgementalists and anyone else who has spoke ill of little Ann and her struggle to cope inside the filthy organism that we know as drug dependancy.    The adult still sees the essence of her spirit is still intact and needs the world to acknowledge her plight.

Faith is something known but not seen...We can't see God, but we know something far bigger than ourselves exists.   We can't see electricity, but we wouldn't knowingly stick our fingers in an electrical socket.

As with this, family, friends and community need to have faith that the person displaying symptoms that are not understandable to them are just that ...symptoms of something far bigger at work.   They can't see the beast, but they can see manifestations of its presence.   

People need to know that we are doing the very best we can at any given time...whether it be a window or a wave.  

Ann Kelly
23 September 2015

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