Straightening Things Out

Please note: this piece references self harm.

So my boyfriend and I straightened things out. Yesterday, I wasn't sure if we could continue in a relationship together. I felt so hurt, so wronged; abused, even. But it is possible that there are things outwith the realm of your understanding and imagination that are still true. He reacted angrily to my confession of self-harm. This hurt me greatly. But yesterday I realised that what I told him completely broke his heart and it was too much for him to cope so he lashed out - which, in turn, broke my heart.

Self-harm and depression within a relationship doesn't make for an easy ride. I began to see his point of view better. His repeated encouragements to find coping mechanisms, have patience and make lifestyle changes to combat depression which caused me to internalise guilt and blame had come from a place of panic and fear. I had told him I felt suicidal. He was scared. I should've seen this but I wasn't thinking straight. My giving in to self-harm urges made him feel betrayed. How could I do something that hurt him so much? I told him that he needed to see that when you are so low, control begins to slip and you lose your personal power. I tried to reassure him by saying that it was my lowest point and that I needed to reach that point to be able to get better. And I fully believe it. I still feel a bit shaken and uncertain. But I feel much more in control of my actions and my mind. I feel I am now in a place to make lifestyle changes and be proactive. Wish me luck. 

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