OK so the past 24 hours have been a bit of a whirlwind but a huge step in the right direction for me. After 10+ years of suffering in silence I am now ready to report the childhood abuse that happened to me.......................... and you know whats really strange I actually feel nothing.
I haven't cried, regressed, screamed, shouted, etc....... instead I have been cool, calm and collected. I don't know whether this is because I have been able to deal with it all on my own for so many years that in actual fact I have dealt with the emotional and mental side of it on my own or whether in actual fact its only once the ball is rolling the flood gate will open.
It's not even the reporting that is difficult through this, to me that's the easy part, I am strong enough to do it, I want to do it, I am ready to do it so to me that's easy. What I am finding difficult is putting into words what happened to me to my family, the people closest to me.................... Where do you start? What do you actually say? How much do you tell them?
All I know is I do not want them to know the ins and outs, I want them to just know it happened and now its being reported. I kept it a secret to protect them, through the whole of my life I have protected my family and I know they may well feel they should of been protecting me but I didn't give them the option.
I know one thing though this is either going to break us or bring us closer, and I really hope it is the latter as I would hate for this to destroy the one thing I have spent time protecting.
I must admit I do feel slightly selfish for doing this, because I know its not just changing my life but is ultimately going to impact on theirs, but it's OK to be selfish once in a while. It is OK to put you first. That's definitely one thing I have never been quite good at, and hey why start with something small take a running jump into the deep end *gulp*
My biggest fear is that no one will believe me! I'm not the type of person to lie, but it is there in the back of your brain what if?? But if I spend all my time wondering what if I will never find out. I have said to myself I am going to do this so many times before and have never actually found the courage to do so, but now I have, no idea where it come from like but I definitely found it, so there's just making that call left to do.................. once I tell my family, I would hate to tell them after I had the ball rolling. I think I owe them that much
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