Please note: this story references abuse.
"you taught me how to love someone who did not love you" the words of a good friend and I taught her this by loving my father. Its funny because I'm sure you would think he was an absent father or was an alcoholic or something along the lines of what a father who doesn't love you would fit in. Unfortunately my father was around he and my mother are still married and have two other children. But I am the child that they do not know how to love, my father once told me " I love you because you are my daughter, but that doesn't mean I have to like you and I don't." That sentence that he so easily spoke is one that plays over in my head on a constant basis. I would understand if he told me this when i was a raging drug addict and he didn't like me at the moment, but no it was said when I was a teenager looking for love and guidance. He has made it clear of the dislike for me since i was a child. I will admitt that I was tough I was much different then my siblings and my parents had to put in more work with me. Things that they should of helped figure out because I was there child and they wanted the best for me but that wasn't the case. In a family video from christmas when i was 3 you could hear my name being called out multiple times in a disciplinary manner, I was a lot more hyper active then a normal child and needed more guidance that pushed my father not to like me, my mother did not like me either but I knew that and never questioned it. My father would give me random spurts of hope that he truly did care for me. I look back now at the things that made me the "difficult" child the "bad" one and they were all things that could've been helped and really made a difference in the way things for me turned out. My parents pride stopped them from seeking a doctor to help them with my sleeping issues when i would stay up for days because i saw the news on columbine and was scared either I was going to shoot up my school or someone else was, or when I hid all the bleach in the house because i watched a movie that bleach was used to kill a girl. I worried about things I shouldn't of I never knew how to calm myself down. Anxiety played a big part in my whole life, as did the longing for my fathers love and attention. See when i talk about my family people automatically assume they are the way they are because of my addiction except its not my brother is an addict and has gotten himself in serious trouble which is a yet for me still but he is treated no differently for it my father still likes him. Watching my parents make sure my siblings have a great birthday and do all kinds of special things for them and I am left out not even given a card, not being included but include my daughter. Longing for someone who blames you for being raped, blames you when you show up bloody to his house because your bf lost it and you needed to get your child out of the house and the first thing out of his mouth was " Well what did you do to him? and why would you come here?" A man who is more worried about his mother in laws feelings then he is about his daughter when he finds out her uncle molested her knowing damn well it's the truth. Yet i long for his love for his approval for him to want to do something special with me because he misses me. I do not want to teach anyone that loving people who do not love you is ok........because its not its painful and its hard to take in its much better to love someone from a distance then try to love someone who does not love you.
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