I know myself by my self-loathing and unreality like a signature tune. When I am well it can be endured easily. When very unwell it could lead to my death.
The coin of mental health/mental illness spins in the darkness and falls at the feet of those who can care. It is flipped by a mixture of biology, chance, spirit and fate and I have to be ready for both outcomes. Those who care know and want to help me but there is the crucial element of luck and chance in the circumstances with the spectre of finance, resources and goodwill.
The coin can be flipped for a day, a week, a month or a year. Depending on the period of health or illness. It is my way of accepting what will come by drawing lots with the coin and moving along the board of existence. A way of counting the ups and downs. A sixth sense in the milieu. A coping skill, a foot hold in the crevice, a life-saving mentality as I work with reality to stay real under my own steam.
It might be that the coin falls at my feet to care for those around me on a daily basis. I am imbued with the sense that I must play my part very well. It can be achieved among the shifting tides of everyone's health of which I am either joined or married to. We all have a coin to flip and a responsibility to share. No one can predict the final outcomes but we would have tried our best under the circumstances.
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