Bob Offers A Reflection On His Chequered Existence

Bob Offers A Reflection On His Chequered Existence

I was born with a sensitive , impressionable , weak nature easily
influenced by the force of words going into me and by the words
coming out of me .
There were many words worth hearing , as well ,words that caused
me to be inspired filtered through the prism of my illness going in and
coming out of it like the sea.
I would learn about many types of stimulating words. Some calm and
some wretched, with humiliating scenarios and consequences.I would
have to learn how to live life through my difficulties with a dream. A
dream of peace.
No one knew the difficulty was there , not even me to start with though
I was experiencing its latent forces from a tender age. I did grow slightly
apart from the classes of people I saw and grew up with.
I was in a box of my own. Why? How if it did not show could I be any
different from the rest ? I grew up perplexed and nervous about a problem
I could not explain to anyone.
It was like a deafness,dumbness and paralysis and it made me tire quickly
when I applied myself. But I was not deaf,dumb or paralysed except for this
'thing' , this spectre , that I was sure others did not have or experience.
I could not articulate it and no one knew it was there.So I just accepted it
as my difficulty , my lot. 'Just get on with it , shrug your shoulders , try not
to develop a chip on it . Be a good lad.'
In adult life I would soothe my thoughts with yoga, meditation, chanting
mantras and saying the rosary.Trying to love the world back. Choosing a
better quality of life; exercising, writing and studying.Obeying the laws of
kindness and tenderness.
I had to avoid being stigmatized , self-stigmatized or rejected. I might
have to swallow the bitter pills if they happened of ; no job , no money
of my own, no home , physical sickness or pain .
Those feelings of dread were tied up in the spectre as well. Dead relatives
and no friends! A divorce or death of a partner! Loneliness!
Yet even if laced with bitterness I knew I could be happy again in this
life or in the next. I could not pre-empt grief,loss or sadness.It was too
black.
Things will work out. Do not be afraid.Do not over analyse, amplifying
your worst fears of things that may never happen.
This was the soft voice of reason that all things can work for good,
eventually.The prism would continue to bizarrely influence my emotions,
thoughts , speech and what I was hearing, as I passed my 50th birthday.
Life would go on I was grateful for it . Sorrow tempered with joy and
happiness is not a bad life.It was strong and resilient.It was what I was
really made of.....................................................

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