99% Real : 1% Mania

OH! That 1%. If only I could be real for 100% of the time. Would the grass have been greener for me, my family and friends? I fear it would not, life being life. It is just a rash of wishful thinking.

That gremlin 1% precipitates, spontaneously, while working, knocking out reality in an instant. Like the wind blowing out a candle. Then I find myself trying to make everything right when it is out of my control or has already been accomplished. Very spooky indeed.

This does not inspire confidence in employers or colleagues. Its like letting the side down. The tell tale signs an illness is present. It causes feelings of foolishness and shame. Again, irrationally so. I need to let go of what I erroneously think is right to be free. It makes me sad and useless when I feel I am so badly in the wrong. Out of step and out of time. To the chorus of idiot, clot or ass hole. I am not right obviously.

Making myself right has proved impossible and is a daily strain. Oh dear what am I to do? It evokes tremors of poverty and exclusion. What a peculiar struggle unreality is. So many ugly tormentors in various forms ready to savage and bite at any moment. Yet I continue to love. Surely I am a man by now.

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Alone And Single-Handed

O what a gift independence is! To secure a reality through hard work. To have worked alone and single-handedly though no man is an island. Surely this will woe employers in these failing times I am hard-wired to believe?In the meantime a...

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courage,
self encouragement
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Bohemian Anxiety

I gave up my comfort zone,To the Yell of the world,I felt I had no right to it,I risked my mental health, I listened to its schmooze,I heard every pitch,My 'accusers' descended,<...

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Anxiety,
of
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Experience

Gaining useful, bona-fide experience from the work place with fluctuating mental health can be a daunting task. And I find it painful.Articulating the reality of hard earned experience and conveying my self worth at interviews often seem...

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experience,
solid
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Prompt On Nature

I run and race and find a way to make myself take up less space.read more

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anxiety,
mood

bad behaviour

Please Note: This piece contains references to domestic abuse

My relationship with Mis mostly goodwe fightwe bickerbut it's nothing seriousat the moment he's trying my patiencehe has sprained his armhe has a frozen shoulderhe is grumpy and can'...

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every time we meet- she wants more and more from me

hmmm...have problems with nutty ms psent her an email today-as I felt sorry for herM has upset herI think he was rudehe told herthat she can still see mebut I have to look after him!he ...

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