99% Real : 1% Mania

OH! That 1%. If only I could be real for 100% of the time. Would the grass have been greener for me, my family and friends? I fear it would not, life being life. It is just a rash of wishful thinking.

That gremlin 1% precipitates, spontaneously, while working, knocking out reality in an instant. Like the wind blowing out a candle. Then I find myself trying to make everything right when it is out of my control or has already been accomplished. Very spooky indeed.

This does not inspire confidence in employers or colleagues. Its like letting the side down. The tell tale signs an illness is present. It causes feelings of foolishness and shame. Again, irrationally so. I need to let go of what I erroneously think is right to be free. It makes me sad and useless when I feel I am so badly in the wrong. Out of step and out of time. To the chorus of idiot, clot or ass hole. I am not right obviously.

Making myself right has proved impossible and is a daily strain. Oh dear what am I to do? It evokes tremors of poverty and exclusion. What a peculiar struggle unreality is. So many ugly tormentors in various forms ready to savage and bite at any moment. Yet I continue to love. Surely I am a man by now.

Add your reaction
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0
  • 0

O To Pursue The New

Pursuing new things is exhausting and taxes the emotions of my illness. I am aware that others may always be doing and trying new things. I can not keep up with them.I would be happy with a few new things every now and then. I would be h...

read more
Tags:
Newness
  • 0
  • 1
  • 2
  • 0

An Ode To Livid Fathers

So I was born to adult life with a damaged money gene to provide with? To the incandescent rage of my father and to the consternation of my contemporaries! Excruciating!So I am glad I got myself baptised with this faulty treasure. I say,...

read more
Tags:
Forgiveness
  • 2
  • 0
  • 1
  • 1

The Fires Of The Day

O, to possess a talent for lasting the whole day, week, month or year!Those monolithic fortresses are gifts I can only hope to admire.I may never realise them securely.I work, I am strong but it does not last, I am consumed...

read more
Tags:
Lived Experience,
Reality
  • 0
  • 0
  • 2
  • 1

Pain inheritance

I'm so angry with you, mum and dad and my family growing up. It's ruined the 41 and a bit years of my life so far but I'm not gonna let it ruin the rest of it. Why couldn't you have confronted and sorted out your own problems an...

read more
Tags:
emotions
  • 0
  • 0
  • 3
  • 0