99% Real : 1% Mania

OH! That 1%. If only I could be real for 100% of the time. Would the grass have been greener for me, my family and friends? I fear it would not, life being life. It is just a rash of wishful thinking.

That gremlin 1% precipitates, spontaneously, while working, knocking out reality in an instant. Like the wind blowing out a candle. Then I find myself trying to make everything right when it is out of my control or has already been accomplished. Very spooky indeed.

This does not inspire confidence in employers or colleagues. Its like letting the side down. The tell tale signs an illness is present. It causes feelings of foolishness and shame. Again, irrationally so. I need to let go of what I erroneously think is right to be free. It makes me sad and useless when I feel I am so badly in the wrong. Out of step and out of time. To the chorus of idiot, clot or ass hole. I am not right obviously.

Making myself right has proved impossible and is a daily strain. Oh dear what am I to do? It evokes tremors of poverty and exclusion. What a peculiar struggle unreality is. So many ugly tormentors in various forms ready to savage and bite at any moment. Yet I continue to love. Surely I am a man by now.

Add your reaction
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0
  • 0

Spirit Of Low Self-Esteem

Part of my work within my conscience is to separate a spirit of low self-esteem which is a symptom of my illness from the spiritual experience of lowliness which I get from the Lord. And not to confuse the two of them.I can willingly acc...

read more
Tags:
of,
self
  • 1
  • 0
  • 2
  • 0

Wintry Soul

Reflecting on my experience with reality I conclude that for me it runs on being able to maintain adequate economic support in a failing climate with my three spiritual fuels or capacities, namely; hope, faith and love.So I say earnestly...

read more
Tags:
taking,
control
  • 0
  • 1
  • 2
  • 2

I Am And I Am Not

How do I manage fluctuating strength? By routinely testing my can and can't do capacity. I try to maintain a steady well-being under varying degrees of stress. When, then, is it safe to unlock my will power?It takes discernment, judg...

read more
Tags:
coping,
strategies
  • 1
  • 0
  • 2
  • 0

An oddity in a world of strange

I don't quite have the right sides to fit in. Maybe if I had straighter edges, less curved parts that stick out and show me off to the world. I attempt to remould, change attitudes and behaviours all to get those straight lines. Then, ...

read more
Tags:
#vulnerability,
#connecting
  • 0
  • 1
  • 1
  • 0

Qckbrst1

Quick burst!Get it down, get it out, quick, Before you for.That'll do, practice the discipline, get in the habit for when you need it.

read more
Tags:
Quick,
burst
  • 0
  • 0
  • 1
  • 0

Spirit Of Low Self-Esteem

Part of my work within my conscience is to separate a spirit of low self-esteem which is a symptom of my illness from the spiritual experience of lowliness which I get from the Lord. And not to confuse the two of them.I can willingly acc...

read more
Tags:
of,
self
  • 1
  • 0
  • 2
  • 0