Can someone tell me where the off switch is please as the constant bombardment of thoughts are nothing short of painful. I really do hope that writing this is as cathartic an experience as I expect as this is my last hope.
I can tell you exactly how I feel because you won't judge me will you (please don't, I'm far too sensitive right now) Frankly, I feel like I am wallowing - I can see (and almost feel) exactly what is going on around me - tragic plane crash on the news, my friend's husband's funeral this morning, 24 sleeps to Christmas ... but the only thing that is at the top of my worry list is "will I get a new line manager?"
You may think surely this isn't all she has to worry about and you'd be right to think this but you'd also be wrong. You see, I'm typing this in the hope that I can get to the bottom of why a simple e-mail from said manager a few days ago sent me over the edge.
If I am to be truthful with myself, I first started to notice my downward spiral from July this year. Returned from a last minute holiday, which was lovely, and have been keeping myself busy, very busy, ever since.
I like to keep my mind and my body busy as of course we're all told life is too short. I fill my days with work, studying, exercising and my 2 kids, perhaps trying to prove my worth to society (don't ask!). Now isn't that interesting, I typed that list without thinking and place my 2 kids at the end and didn't even mention my husband, worth a lot of reflection that one. On top of that I've been doing some voluntary work for a mental health organisation and following that I've been supporting friends and family and, yes, pretty much trying to change the world! Close family members have told me that I am doing too much but hey I know best right?
So a couple of weeks back I'm working through various tasks (in my house on my own may I add) when I just crumble, I'm screaming, I can't breathe for tears, every hurtful event is flipping through my mind like someone brushing through a filofax (the young may need to google the purpose of this item!) I AM TERRIFIED.I jump into my car and race down the motorway, struggling to breathe I contemplate driving off the road. Now here's the strange thing, I then go and watch a film, jump back in the car, and repeat the journey with the same thoughts and emotions. What the actual f*ck is going on?? I don't tell my husband until a few days later and off I go to the GP.
Now the next couple of weeks I listen to my husband and professionals saying all the things I've been taught to say in these serious situations and can I just say it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference to me what they were saying as I was in such a dark place the only way to escape was to let go of this world. I wasn't thinking about anybody else because I wasn't thinking rationally. Now, just to reiterate I know that there are many people living day to day in a much worse position than me so why had it came to this? Well, therein the million dollar question because I sure as hell don't know, hence the reason you're reading this uncut version of a mad woman's mind.
So, I've trudged through the last few weeks, until I passed out at work on Monday. E-mail from line manager arrived at 1659 hours Monday evening. For confidentiality aspects I won't go into what e-mail but let's just say "I" felt it questioned my integrity and not quite sure what happened to the old mind again but I was hurting bad. So in order to make my life better I need a new line manager right? I'm not sure what I need actually ... but I don't think a new line manager is going to sort out my issues.
I lay in my bed today (as I have done for the last few days) intermittently looking at the TV wondering how those presenters manage to walk, engage in meaningful conversation, how they are able to generally function. I know I should be practising my self care, Christ I have even made a self care bag. I also know that positive affirmations and physical exercise will help but every time I think of a "you are (wonderful, amazing, loving, etc!)" my busy mind says "naaaaah you're not, you're weak and everybody knows, nobody will rely on your guidance ever again". I looked outside my bedroom window today and there was not a cloud in the sky and I know that I would have felt so much better had I ventured out and embraced the day but no I'd rather wallow thanks. Goodness, I know a lot ...
I recently read a blog on a depression webpage from someone who says that, in terms of their self care, the first thing they do is get up and have a shower then they feel more ready to take on what the day brings. Well I'm sorry as I'm going to be like the proverbial dark cloud here but if it wasn't for my kids I would lie in my bed aaaalllllll day. Just how on earth do you manage to get back on your feet again. Oh how I long to be in control and have energy once more ...
I want to fast forward so much, I'm using the "this time next week/month/year" scenario but nothing will take away the "right now" feeling. The feeling being why did such a simple email send me catapulting back into darkness. I clearly have a lot of soul searching to do but I can't be arsed.
This is for family and friends who will not read this but I need to say this - no, I'm not okay.
Lastly, I'm scared that I have said the wrong thing and triggered any unwanted feelings in anyone reading this so please accept my advance apologies xx
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