Night Time

I wake myself up crying,
the real primal kind,
where the tears don't come before the wailing,
and the writhing in the pit of the stomach.
I curl up in fetal position,
as if folding myself in half will somehow squeeze out the pain,
or maybe keep the hope in.
In the absence of a deity,
I talk out loud to my long deceased ex,
begging for him to stop this feeling,
I say over and over and over again,
'I don't want to feel like this anymore.'
'Please make it go away.'
And the silence that shouts back is deafening.

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Ugly thoughts

Please note: this story references suicide. I was wearing a scarf earlier and I had to take it off because I started to hear the thoughts again, 'Kill yourself'... It creeps in amongst the normal thoughts like 'I'd better go and do the dish...

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Tags:
suicide,
borderline personality disorder
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Seeing the psychiatrist when they don't see you.

My usual psychiatrist is off sick. 'You don't seem emotionally unstable to me at the moment' said the Dr, who I'd sat with for under half an hour. Yeah mate, that's not really what Emotionally Unstable/Borderline Personality Disorder is. You shou...

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Tags:
Diagnosis,
EUPD
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How Music Helps Me

When you're susceptible to mood swings it is good to avoid things that can put you on a downer, or make you too high. Music absolutely makes my day more manageable. Sometimes I Listen to it to lose myself in it, to get lost in the story, the rh...

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Tags:
Music
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Breaking Free

I am not what happened to me, or said about me. I am an adopted child of God. 

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I Am And I Am Not

How do I manage fluctuating strength? By routinely testing my can and can't do capacity. I try to maintain a steady well-being under varying degrees of stress. When, then, is it safe to unlock my will power?It takes discernment, judg...

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Tags:
coping,
strategies
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The core of me

I peel back a layer of myself one at a time. I wait for the sting to reach my eyes, to reach your eyes. If I peel them all back will you like the core of me? The rough and tough part, the part where the seeds of my past reside. Will you take ca...

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Tags:
#connection,
#powerofvulnerability
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