Please Note: This piece contains references to suicide.
I think I am in Hell. Coming from a religious upbringing I was told that Hell is your worst ever fears all in one place. So I think that is where I am. The ride has stopped but it's still dark and I'm still afraid. I can hear voices but this time they are telling me that things are definitely not ok. Things are never going to get better and I am stuck here for ever.
I can't move. My body feels like lead and my mind is numb. It's numb but it's stuck on instant replay. It feels like I am on a ghost train. I'm strapped in and I can't move. I'm passing through various chapters of my life and the voices are telling me that I have failed in every single chapter. Scenes from the past play over and over and all I can see is failure. The voices are right. I'm a waste of space. I'm a failure. People would be better off without me in their lives.
I hear two little voices shouting Mum. This jolts the ghost train and it slows down. I can't see because of the darkness but I know these two little voices need me. I know they can't understand what's happening and that they are frustrated. What's happened to Mum??? Why won't she play with me? Why can't she get out of bed?? Because she is a failure that's why scream the voices.
The train speeds up again and the familiar little voices disappear. Probably best as they don't understand but they will be better off without me.
Scenes of my life replay time and time again. This train seems to be going round in circles and I'm sure it's going to run out of fuel soon. I wish it would just hurry up and crash as then these voices and images would just disappear along with me and everyone could get on with life.
The little voices again.......they really need me. I need to hang on for them. Or do I??? Would they be better off with me out the picture....
Suddenly a new voice arrives. It sounds familiar. I can't see where it's coming from but I can hear it loud and clear. It tells me "when the world screams give up - hope whispers try it one more time".
I take a sleeping tablet and pray for a few hours of not thinking.
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