I have always been quite shy and at school I never put my hand up to answer questions and I never asked for help because it would have meant I had to talk to someone. I sometimes stumble over words and I find it hard to get the right words directly from my brain to my mouth and speak those words. Also, because I was put down for experiencing and expressing emotions as a child it is hard for me to show them outwardly, although I am getting better at this.
The one way that I can almost fully express my emotions is through writing. I also enjoy reading stories of hope and recovery. Writing gives me the opportunity to take time to think before committing to words whereas when i'm speaking people don't want to wait for a while for my response. People say I write very well and I have been good at it since I was very young but I only started writing about my feelings when my Mum gave me my first diary in 2000.
My first psychologist said we weren't making any progress because I wasn't talking to her but I thought I was telling her things. I've been passed from psychologist to psychologist and I started sharing some of my diary writing with my future psychologists. They would read what I had written to get a sense of how things were for me. I am always honest in my writing because it's really only for my own benefit and it's easier to show someone honest writing than be honest on the spot through talking. My writing has got me in trouble though, sometimes it gets misinterpreted, and once I was hospitalised because of something I had written but I continue to write and sometimes show it to professionals when I need to explain something.
Moving on from this, my last psychologist started asking me to read out what I had written instead of her reading it. It was hugely scary because I hate the sound of my voice and I didn't feel connected to what I was reading. After a while I stopped bringing in things I had written and I was able to explain things directly from my brain to my mouth. A lot of the time though, what I speak has come from writing initially and I have rehearsed it. I still find writing to be the most effective form of communication I have. I write things in a typical diary form mostly, taking out the irrelevant parts and shortening things when i'm going to show it to someone. I also write poetry but don't share it often.
Even though writing doesn't make me 'happy' as such, I think it makes me feel content because I am able to share and understand how i'm feeling with myself and others even though I know that no one can fully understand some of the things i'm going through unless they have experienced those things. I have written this in the What Makes Me Happy section because I think i'd be a lot more low and distressed if I had to rely on spoken words to express myself as I know i'd rarely be truly heard. I'm so grateful to whoever taught me to read and write.
- This Moved Me
- Thanks for Sharing
- This Helped Me