Hate is Such a Strong Word

Hate is such a strong word but that's how I feel about myself. It's not that I think i'm a bad person, I feel like i'm fundamentally evil. Even though people ask me for proof of this and I can't provide it, it still doesn't change how I feel. I guess it's maybe due to the way I was treated as a child and the comments have stuck with me so much that I have come to believe them and accept them as being a part of who I am. Why else would I have been told these negative things about me if they weren't true?

I can see the positive things about myself but I can't feel them. It feels bad when others say nice things about me. I remember when I used to feel suicidal a lot and I was writing a 'rainy day letter' with my psychologist, I think at the end she asked me to write something like 'other people value me and maybe one day I will too.'

I will keep waiting for that one day to come.

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