MY JOURNEY

Warning: This story deals with trauma, sexual abuse and self harm.

people always said the small woman with bright blue eyes beaming, such a warm welcome smile (always called the smiler) simply amazed by the torture and trauma, I have gone through. Although behind that smile, there gazed was a haunted hurting child drained with secrets, trauma and horror. some survive and some don't, some victims, some survivors. for many years I was that victim - now I am a survivor!!
my childhood memories swept, my childhood innocence gone.
there must have been times in my childhood I was happy? a happy child? one who laughed with glee as her father swung her in the air; scraping the chocolate from the end of the bowl as she made cakes with her mother; building sandcastles on the beach or hanging up stockings for santa? this is something I cant relate to, there may have been times of happiness but the fear, pain and horror wasn't far behind. visiting friends with small children, and hear the sounds of songs and lullaby's, the essence of a happy home. then I wonder if, once, my home had been like that too. love and security, sleep that was dreamless and free of nightmares and faces.
often I peer through the peephole in time, to the years before I was 5 years old, when the bad things started, for a flash of my innocent past. at times its hard to give more than a hasty glance, before I cowardly push it away.
the dark room, the door creeks open, the same shadow, I know if I fail to shiver to loudly, something terrible will happen, he has intent on destroying me. terrified, I lay, let out a weep, as his huge hands covered my mouth, the weight suppressing against my throat, struggling to breathe. this taste never leaves me, thick and sour, the terrible taste of my childhood.
I am now a survivor of 8 years child sexual abuse and severe neglect.
I was silenced for so many years, by the abusers and my parents. but three years ago came the courage to report the crimes that damaged my life. then came the hope and the justice!
one abuser, behind bars and the family , well that's another story - every dog has there day!
I am now in my late twenties, with two children of my own, that's my family, my reason for survival and my strength.my new aim in life, is to give my children the childhood, I never.to count the blessing and not the heartaches... certainly there has been more ups and downs and more admissions to psychiatric wards than home, then there's the medication and diagnosis's , but most importantly - I'm here..here to tell the story!
sometimes the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles that nobody knows about. what is it they say - fake it, til you make it! a journey of a thousand miles, begins with a single step.
my best is advice to all those people out there who have gone through any sort of trauma is; you are not your illness, you are an individual, you have a name, a history, a personality, stay yourself, its part of the battle that will make you a stronger person. from every wound there is a scar, and every scar tells a story, a story that says 'I have survived'.
through all... find strength, never give up and don't lose hope you never know what tomorrow will bring !! - KEEP SMILING

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