Intro

Ben,
Congratulations, you're now 80 years old and hopefully that means you didn't stick to the deal you made with yourself at 21.
Right now I'm pretty unsure of how I feel. I guess I'd say I feel like a blank canvas but that doesn't quite do it... There's this feeling of frustration that I have constantly inside me, it feels like its about to burst out at any moment but it never does, it just builds up and then recedes every now and then.
I don't know why I have it or what it is. At 21, at this very moment, being on this website... I think I've finally faced the fact that I'm very, very depressed.
Life is hard, and I always try to rationalize it by telling myself that there's someone worse off somewhere else. "Be grateful for what you have" is a mantra that I often use. But it doesn't mean shit!
I am depressed.
I've had suicidal thoughts come and go as long as I can remember. Paranoia, mistrust, frustration, social anxiety... I'm a mess.
If you reached 80 Ben, then I'm proud of you/me because that means you managed to find a reason to keep on living.
I hope that you found her. I hope right now you're sitting next to the girl that we both love.
When did you meet her? Where? How?? I actually wish this was real and you could tell me all your wisdom. I wanna hear about my life, what career I end up in, where I end up living and who with.. Ha, maybe in 20 years I'll come across this site again and read this to myself and smile.

See, I'd say the biggest cause of my current state is moving around so much. I mean, my brother is so so so similar to me it hurts, we even have the same little habits. I love my brother more than anything but I know he's the same as me, we're both depressed, we both find it hard to go out, to meet new people, to motivate ourselves for life. Difference is, I was forced into meeting new people. Over and over and over again with my parents splitting up and my mum and stepdad moving all over the country I constantly had to meet new people, make new friends. I was always "the new kid".
I never had that inbuilt sense of confidence and identity that all the stable-homed kids I knew had. For 8 years through secondary school I convinced myself that we'd finally found a place to settle, but of course just before I leave home to go to university, my mum decides to move again.
For 8 years I trusted them to stay.
I felt like I had a home, a family of friends that loved and cared about me and a girl who, at the time, I thought was the one. I'm still asking myself that question now. Wise old Ben, I bet you're laughing right now, telling me I should've known better.

Uni was hard. Same reason its always been hard going to a new place and meeting new people for me. I'm weird. I know that, I'm a fucking freak! You kind've lose a few nuts and bolts when you spend every day in your primary school with a coat over your heard imagining you're somewhere else.. I've learned to dial it down now but people always comment on it. The second I take off the mask and show people my normal self (ha normal) most of them get creeped out or disgusted or something. Why do I repulse people this much that I can't feel comfortable in my own skin? Maybe I'm just over-thinking it, but either way, the thoughts are still there eating away at me.

I'm done writing this for now, its kind've helped but I'm pretty sure I'll need a lot more than a bit of writing to fix my head...

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