Surviving to thriving and back to surviving...

I thought I was thriving. And this is good, right? 

 

No, apparently "it's concerning" and indicates that I am 'vulnerable' in some way.

I'm sorry that I don't fit into your expectations or preconceived notions of what resilient and well looks like. I'm sorry that in some indefinable way I 'buck the trend' of your many years of experience. I'm sorry that I exist in your universe, but not to worry - you got rid of me, so well done.

 

What now? I ask myself. How many times must I pick myself up and restart the process of recovery? And surely my recovery is MY recovery? I know what ill looks and feels like for me, I certainly know what well feels like, and yet you made me doubt this? Everyone I have ever met has commented on my reflectiveness and self awareness, yet you asked me (accused me??) of having none. I fought so damn hard to build my recovery, to regain my belief in my truth and my reality, and you tore it down so easily. You had no right. You certainly didn't have the right to tell me it was "for my own good".

I've got back up before. I will get up again, but damn I'm tired of being kicked down, dragged under, belittled, dismissed. Doesn't the fact that I'm STILL HERE tell you something of my strength and resources. 

 

To paraphrase Churchill - I will be well again. I choose to keep on, keeping on. What is torn down I will rebuild. Damn it, it's not me!! You will remain rude, abrupt, aggressive (defensive, in truth). Prejudiced while asserting your unparalleled objectivity. You wear your trauma so visibly - I'm sorry that I saw it and thus became a threat and a challenge.  I have seen and fought and embraced and accepted and challenged my own trauma. We have become, and are becoming one, integrated if you will. That is where strength, hope, growth, resource, love and acceptance live.

 

What will grow in the desert of denial?

 

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