Learning to Breathe

Life these days hasn´t been easy for me. Work is stressful and it takes a lot of my energy, I am always feeling drained, tired, unmotivated. I want to paint more often, i want to read fun books, i want to spend time with my friends, i want, but i can´t because every day when i finish work, i just want to go back hoi me and relax. Relaxing is a hard one for me, my head spins around so many thoughts, questions nobody can answer and leads me to more thoughts and more questions. What do i want in life? The answer is simple, i want a simple life doing what i like to do, having time for myself and energy!! But then i think, money! How can i get more time if i have to work to get money for my rent and bills? and the spinning starts again. I feel stuck, i feel like even if a have the wish of changing my life to better, i dont see how to do it. I have fears, many, and those fears stop me from changing my life. I feel lonely, i live alone in  a flat where the only voice i hear is my own. I also seek for love! something very important for me, and i have someone who loves me, but we are apart in different countries, that just adds more doubts to my life and more fears. Would we ever be together, when will we see each other again? is it going to work? Even if i want love I dont want to have a distance relationship that can bring more difficulties to my life. But when i think about ending it and move on focusing on my own happiness i am scared of letting go too soon something that in the future might have been a good thing for me. I dont seem to find solutions on a short term, for anything! My only relief is painting, so i can express my frustration and release some of that anxiety that seems to be in my home, my bed, my nights out and nights in. I try to get involved in activities that bring happiness and make me feel good, but again... .lack of time seems to be an issue! Now i am involved in too much I don´t enjoy it as i should. I work by impulse, and i need to stop and think if is the right time for doing this or that, if it can wait for a better and more relaxed period in life. I need to organize myself so i can breathe again and enjoy life outside work.

Breathe... nature helps me to breathe. Although I am not much in touch with it, or not as much as i need. 

Prioritize and reconsider actions, that seems to be the key for my problems, and yet, knowing what i have to do... i can´t do it! because i can´t breathe.

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