child free

So, today, listened to women talking about not having children

on the radio

being child free

either through choice, or deliberately

like me


Mostly,

I've not wanted a child

I was always nervy and shy and unsure of myself

as a child

and a teen


I thought I wouldn't cope

I thought it would be too much for me

and that I would somehow damage the child

(emotionally)

 

I thought that the stress would drive me crazy


Being a parent is hard

the hardest job in the whole world

 

My own mother seemed to be always stressed

and over-tired

and over-emotional

 

I didn't want that

I didn't want the responsibility 

I enjoy my freedom


When I was growing up

I felt great pressure to care for

my brothers

and my sister

even for my mother


I felt that my mother needed me

 

This is crazy, and she should've supported me

I kind of became my own parent-

if you will


It is sad, if you really want a child

and can't

and that must cause great pain, indeed

and I wouldn't wish that on anybody


But, mostly, I'm happy not to be anyone's mummy


The down side

is other people's questions

people ask me why

and I feel like I have to justify myself

and come up with

a long list

of excuses


And losing touch

with old friends

as I don't have kids

so we no longer have stuff to talk about

as their lives have changed-

that is also difficult


So, I take care of myself

and to give myself

 

I look after myself

I do things that I love to do

as there is just me

(and M, my man)

and we both care for eachother

with, or without a child

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