daft crush on my therapist

I had a daft crush on my therapist

it seemed harmless, at the time, but it inhibited me

I felt conscious of the way I looked-

and how I sounded

how would this work?!

 

I felt that I should leave

 

Maybe I should tell him

but I didn't

I thought it would pass

 

When I cried during the session

he said that he wanted to give me a hug

 

Part of me wanted that- as I liked him so much

but also, I thought it just might help me to feel better

 

But I was scared to let him do it-

because of my feelings for him

 

In the end, he did hug me

and

I was as stiff as a board

 

I couldn't relax

I wished he would stop

 

He held me too tight

for too long

 

I feel sad I reacted this way

 

I want affection, but when I get it

I clam-up

 

He got upset about it

I felt unable to articulate my feelings

 

In our last session-

he was sulky, and angry

that was no help to me!

 

In lots of ways, he was very good,

he understood my background

 

But he broke the 'rules'

 

such as-

 

we often ran over time 

(often we did, in the beginning, 

and I was flattered, but, then,

 I started to feel uncomfortable)

 

he saw me outside of therapy 

(I invited him to my art exhibition- 

and bumped into him, on the way upstairs. 

I thought maybe I shouldn't have, but 

it was in a public space, and I thought we 

would miss eachother)

 

he said I could call him

(I had had a bad fight with M, and he said that I could call him, 

if I was desperate- I didn't call him)

 

he gave me advice

(he told me that I needed to make more friends, and 

recommended a group that dealt with co-dependency)

 

he stuck labels on me

(I was co-dependant, apparently, he also implied that I was a man-hating

lesbian feminist!)?

 

In reality, I'm pro-women, anti-discrimination,

and I'm only attracted

to men.(sorry)!

 

All that said, he was a very warm person

and I did enjoy showing him my paintings

 

I also did some artwork in the sessions

 

I think that I have always had this fantasy

of the strong man

that would take care of me

 

I wanted a man

that would be my mother

 

to an extent

I do have that

 

and I do have girlfriends

 

going over my childhood

puts me in a weak position

 

I try to find peace inside me

through art

and meditation

 

also, I need to look outside-

love the world

love nature

love mankind

be kind

forgive

 

romance is great

and therapy 

can help

but it's not everything 

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