daft crush on my therapist

I had a daft crush on my therapist

it seemed harmless, at the time, but it inhibited me

I felt conscious of the way I looked-

and how I sounded

how would this work?!

 

I felt that I should leave

 

Maybe I should tell him

but I didn't

I thought it would pass

 

When I cried during the session

he said that he wanted to give me a hug

 

Part of me wanted that- as I liked him so much

but also, I thought it just might help me to feel better

 

But I was scared to let him do it-

because of my feelings for him

 

In the end, he did hug me

and

I was as stiff as a board

 

I couldn't relax

I wished he would stop

 

He held me too tight

for too long

 

I feel sad I reacted this way

 

I want affection, but when I get it

I clam-up

 

He got upset about it

I felt unable to articulate my feelings

 

In our last session-

he was sulky, and angry

that was no help to me!

 

In lots of ways, he was very good,

he understood my background

 

But he broke the 'rules'

 

such as-

 

we often ran over time 

(often we did, in the beginning, 

and I was flattered, but, then,

 I started to feel uncomfortable)

 

he saw me outside of therapy 

(I invited him to my art exhibition- 

and bumped into him, on the way upstairs. 

I thought maybe I shouldn't have, but 

it was in a public space, and I thought we 

would miss eachother)

 

he said I could call him

(I had had a bad fight with M, and he said that I could call him, 

if I was desperate- I didn't call him)

 

he gave me advice

(he told me that I needed to make more friends, and 

recommended a group that dealt with co-dependency)

 

he stuck labels on me

(I was co-dependant, apparently, he also implied that I was a man-hating

lesbian feminist!)?

 

In reality, I'm pro-women, anti-discrimination,

and I'm only attracted

to men.(sorry)!

 

All that said, he was a very warm person

and I did enjoy showing him my paintings

 

I also did some artwork in the sessions

 

I think that I have always had this fantasy

of the strong man

that would take care of me

 

I wanted a man

that would be my mother

 

to an extent

I do have that

 

and I do have girlfriends

 

going over my childhood

puts me in a weak position

 

I try to find peace inside me

through art

and meditation

 

also, I need to look outside-

love the world

love nature

love mankind

be kind

forgive

 

romance is great

and therapy 

can help

but it's not everything 

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toxic atmosphere

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being kind to yourself

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Cruel Life

Please note; this story makes reference to suicide

So my friends 11 year old son died in his sleep yesterday. How cruel is this world?Many times people in this world have been taken way too soon and i always think about me trying to take my own relatively healthy life. I used...

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toxic atmosphere

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Please note: this story references suicide.

10 years i have been known to the MHT, although i have had mental health issues for as long as i can remember. I have been through so much. On many occasions i didnt e...

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