daft crush on my therapist

I had a daft crush on my therapist

it seemed harmless, at the time, but it inhibited me

I felt conscious of the way I looked-

and how I sounded

how would this work?!


I felt that I should leave


Maybe I should tell him

but I didn't

I thought it would pass


When I cried during the session

he said that he wanted to give me a hug


Part of me wanted that- as I liked him so much

but also, I thought it just might help me to feel better


But I was scared to let him do it-

because of my feelings for him


In the end, he did hug me


I was as stiff as a board


I couldn't relax

I wished he would stop


He held me too tight

for too long


I feel sad I reacted this way


I want affection, but when I get it

I clam-up


He got upset about it

I felt unable to articulate my feelings


In our last session-

he was sulky, and angry

that was no help to me!


In lots of ways, he was very good,

he understood my background


But he broke the 'rules'


such as-


we often ran over time 

(often we did, in the beginning, 

and I was flattered, but, then,

 I started to feel uncomfortable)


he saw me outside of therapy 

(I invited him to my art exhibition- 

and bumped into him, on the way upstairs. 

I thought maybe I shouldn't have, but 

it was in a public space, and I thought we 

would miss eachother)


he said I could call him

(I had had a bad fight with M, and he said that I could call him, 

if I was desperate- I didn't call him)


he gave me advice

(he told me that I needed to make more friends, and 

recommended a group that dealt with co-dependency)


he stuck labels on me

(I was co-dependant, apparently, he also implied that I was a man-hating

lesbian feminist!)?


In reality, I'm pro-women, anti-discrimination,

and I'm only attracted

to men.(sorry)!


All that said, he was a very warm person

and I did enjoy showing him my paintings


I also did some artwork in the sessions


I think that I have always had this fantasy

of the strong man

that would take care of me


I wanted a man

that would be my mother


to an extent

I do have that


and I do have girlfriends


going over my childhood

puts me in a weak position


I try to find peace inside me

through art

and meditation


also, I need to look outside-

love the world

love nature

love mankind

be kind



romance is great

and therapy 

can help

but it's not everything 

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