I need to sleep. It's not just me, as human beings we all need to sleep. But I'm too tired and selfish to think about the bigger picture right now. When I turn off the lights and close my eyes and wait for the dreams to come, those fluffy sheep to lull me away, it doesn't work.
I don't have a sleep disorder. I've dreamt about it, ironically enough, and I've googled it a trillion different times. But all I really have is a dodgy brain that wont switch off when I need it to. (And conversely, doesn't always work when I need it to either.) I made the half of my bed that I planned on sleeping on, plugged my phone in to charge, had my clock radio set to soothing classical music and yet. Nothing. Two hours later I'm still wide awake waiting on sleep that won't come.
I have work at half seven and if I plan on walking there I'll have to leave at quarter to. This means I'll need to get up for at least half six, but twenty past is a safer bet. I've given up on the idea of showering, deodarant and dry shampoo should see me through til this afternoon when I can take one at my mum's house. So if I go to sleep now, at half past three in the am, I'll get at least three hours sleep. This planning (stressing) should be enough to conk me out and yet. Nothing.
I haven't always been like this. When I was a child I would pretend to fall asleep before I did so I could hear my parents say nice things about me to my sister who always dug her heels in when it came to sleep. I would close my eyes and smile, thinking about how well behaved I was and what a good example I was setting until I fell softly into that great land of nod. When I was a teenager I could sleep for 12 hours straight in front of the television and wake up only slightly disgruntled and in search of breakfast. But lately, it's been a struggle. I've been fighting sleep and it's been fighting me. Sometimes I'll stay up much later than I know I should because I'm scared of switching off. And sometimes I start with all the best intentions and sleep evades me.
I don't go for daytime naps, avoid caffeine after twelve, and go long walks with the dog. I take exercise at work ( if running after a rogue tennis ball some wean lost in a game counts), do calming and soothing activitites and I try not to focus on the bad stuff after ten o'clock. And yet. Nothing. I'm stressing when I shouldn't be and this is enough to make me reach over and grab my phone. I promised myself I wouldn't waste data but all I need right now, is twenty minutes of some shitty american sitcom to zonk me out.
I wake up at six minutes to seven. My phone is dead, my work starts in half an hour and I'm a forty five minute walk away. SHIT.
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