empty and low


have been thinking about my relationship with Mr C.

he was my lover

we had an affair

for 17yrs

it seems a long time ago now, but it's been about 5yrs

since we split up

or rather,

he dumped me

I often think about him

even though he treated me so badly

he could be kind

and very charming-

there are things I miss

but there were times when he was

emotionally abusive

he would say things

that were not quite right

or put me down

he would complement me

on my looks

but didn't like me

having an opinion

and if I complained

he made me feel that it was my fault

or would say that I was just imagining things

Why did I put up with him?

I don’t know

I was hooked

I was on a high when I saw him

and would do anything to please him

fool that I was

It was an unhealthy relationship

The worst thing is-

he lives nearby

so there are times when I may bump into him

or there are places that remind me of him

and I often feel that I’ve been conned and used


Have tried therapy

sometimes I’ve been judged

sometimes, they’ve said that it’s okay to have an affair

but I’ve still felt guilty

about it

sometimes I’ve felt that I’ve had to make them understand that

it wasn’t just sex

that there were also feelings involved

Sometimes I felt that

Mr C was a bit like Peter Pan

he liked to have no responsibilities

how much I wanted him to hold me, and take care of me!

He upset me, and hurt me

but I don’t hate him

how can I?

I don’t think I hate him

I wish him well

But I’m left feeling empty

and low


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