I always wanted to be loved and accepted for who I am. I knew I was no saint by any means. It was difficult for me to love and appreciate myself so I always seemed to find love and comfort at the bottom of a bottle. The truth is my love for alcohol prevented me from achieving and acquiring a lot of things. I dropped out of college three times. My major was drinking. I lost friends, girlfriends and pushed family away because alcohol was my one true love. Alcohol made me feel a lot more comfortable with myself, boosted my confidence, my ego and my pride. It changed what I thought was a cruel, cold world into my own fun, reckless playground. On the flip side, it allowed me to drown myself in my own sorrows, mistakes and failures.
I thought alcohol was always a solution to every problem rather than just a problem. I always tried to find an excuse to drink- holidays, football games, vacations, etc. I had a short fuse enough as it was sober. My drinking shortened that fuse, if not set it off completely. My family always told me I had a drinking problem. I was too stubborn to listen or care for that matter. I kept being told alcohol can alter mood, brain chemistry and behavior even when sober. Knowing what I know now and feeling the way I feel now, I believe it could very well be true.
I remember being an angry, irritable teenager and it stayed that way into my late twenties. I found myself getting into fights with my older brother and occasionally strangers at parties. I remember one Christmas eve, I hurt my brother to the point to where he could not breathe and an ambulance had to be called. The next morning, instead of wanting to celebrate Christmas with the family, I decided to drown my own guilt and anger from the night before in the form of booze. Later that day, I found myself destroying my Christmas presents. I consider that one event a trigger as to why I made it a ritual to drink myself into oblivion with friends rather than family every Christmas. That is just one of many examples as to how my drinking affected my family.
My alcoholism greatly affected personal relationships, especially one in particular. My drinking before, during and after this three year relationship helped me come to terms with the fact that I really did have a problem. As stated before, I was a short fuse enough as it was sober. Certain events throughout this relationship created jealousy, selfishness, arrogance, complacency and pride. I was a belligerent alcoholic. I did not care at the time. Eventually, I felt like I was losing the only form of love and affection I ever felt outside of family. Rather than putting in the effort to change my ways, I turned back to the only love I ever truly knew- alcohol. My drinking was not the only factor that played a part in the end result of her breaking up with me after three years but looking back, I realized it certainly did not help.
I eventually came to the sad conclusion that I was no longer drinking to be happy. I was drinking because I was insecure and unhappy with who I was as a person. How can anyone love me if I cannot love myself first? I thought alcohol hid my flaws and character defects. Instead, it only exposed my flaws and weaknesses. I loved alcohol because I thought it helped me love myself. I loved alcohol so much to where I thought it would eventually be the death of me.
Everyone who cared about me could see I was plunging myself into an alcoholic abyss. The truth is, I did not care. Why should I? My drinking already cost me a lot of things I desperately wanted and had at some point in time. Why not pay the price with my own life? It turned me into a jealous, arrogant, egotistical and belligerent person. It took half my life, depression, suicidal thoughts, a trip to the emergency room due to alcohol poisoning and finally a trip to a rehab center to fully understand my problems. I was a real-life version of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when I drank. Looking back, I finally realize and acknowledge the error of my ways and how alcohol affected my relationship with family, friends and personal relationships. I know it was not the real me. I hope they know that too.
- This Moved Me
- Thanks for Sharing
- This Helped Me