Part of my work within my conscience is to separate a spirit of low self-esteem which is a symptom of my illness from the spiritual experience of lowliness which I get from the Lord. And not to confuse the two of them.
I can willingly accept lowliness in abundance but chronic lack of self esteem is a painful affliction. So my religious life is sorry and sore. Moreover I sound confused when accompanied by its distress.
So I conclude my experience of lowliness in this world could do with adequate mental health because of its many taxing trials.
On numerous occasions it has been common place for me to be misunderstood or punished by family members, society, those in power and professionals for not conveying enough self-esteem.
Always falling victim to my own outburst and subsequently being blamed and urged to shut up.
Desperately I concede and subsequently feel dismissed as incapable of hope or self-belief, or regarded as inept by the elite. An idiot, perhaps, by the worldly wise and or trouble. Incapable of sound interviews and regarded unemployable by employers. All because of the expression of afflicted humility gone a wry.
It is a paranoid over reaction which can lead to suicidal thinking when unwell. I feel I can not convey my self-worth to the outside world at critical times. I am tethered by a deep fault within my spiritual difficulties. I need to calm down and face reality and avoid going around so over spooked by it.
I am not the sickly drooping spirit which I am convinced is me. I am someone a whole lot better.
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