I am too depleted to forgive completely

How do I forgive or ask for forgiveness from the bottom of my heart once and for all. Is it possible for me to achieve?

I had to ask my God for the capacity and health to work towards this state at least. I could not hope properly, let alone forgive myself or others or ask for it for myself. It took years to build in this capacity.

The functions of a faith require some mental well-being and foundation. I had to fight to establish it and I did not want to become religiously psychotic or a dangerous person or a fanatic. I always wanted the real McCoy- Love. I had the basic desire and drive for it and I had to trust.

However my spiritual journey with mental illness has been fraught with the doubt of it all being a faith delusion and a grand hoax. As my perception of reality appears unrealistic at times so my faith might be unreal too.

There is a lot of daily schizophrenia to work around, to subdue feelings of jeopardy as they arise while getting on with my life. I do not always win. I suppose the test is that I can still grow in faith though my illness remains and I can forgive myself and others more and more, though not 100% of the time.

There is always a basic residue which the illness plays into and triggers me into the mode of unforgiving. It all depends on how well I am. So I have to ask for patience and the good will of those around me till these blues are rebuked and we can carry on.

It would appear that I am reminded to forgive a little more each time through my repeated failures to forgive completely. It tests the frailty in my human character exaggerated by mental illness that I do not forget the events and I remain a bit sore when I have to remember them and forgive all over again.

This action does help me love more deeply each time.

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