• Having A Short Day Due To Emotional Fatigue

    It is probably the sorest subject I know. It looks and feels so infantile to limit the day with rests. Observers do not know why I have to rest and sleep so much. It goes against the very grain of reality. Why get tired so quickly when spending a day outside for instance? No one else does. It becomes a source of argument, revulsion and bad feeling on both sides.When you associate the 'reality of ...

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    Tags:
    Understanding,
    Forgiveness
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  • Mathematics

    My conscience must balance the following personal equation to zero. It goes... I would have welcomed less and existed better in a more equal and more truthfully, transparent society. And then… however I would now recoil at having less in a less equal and increasingly more unfair world as I experience its injustice like a whip.As fairness and unfairness and the equality and inequality, along with the truth move up and down in politician's voices ...

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    Tags:
    Anger,
    Reasonable
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  • Double Heartedness

       I am becoming 'a have' and I am becoming 'a have not' as I go in and out of recovery like a bleatinglamb. Slipping and sliding backwards and forwards from health to illness varying my condition as acitizen.   I can feel the economy moving around me with my well being adjacent on a separate parallel line. As I,like everyone, am subject to the ups and downs of the times. Two heart ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    fear,
    recovery journey
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  • HICCUPS

        I endure a number of persistent and alarming career-threshold hiccups. These are significant snags and hurdles which prevent me form developing as fluently as I should, like a stammer, I remain inexperienced for too long in a new job.    I recognise that employers expect me to develop at a reasonable rate. How then, can I ensure that this happens to stay in a continually adjusting employment? It is like I am always ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    employment,
    experience,
    Career
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  • O To Always Be A Citizen

    I have always believed that being a citizen is not solely due to the endeavours of an individual working alone. People often exclaim their success is all down to themselves. That not even God has helped them.Certainly we can try very hard but it is not all down to us.There are those who expect it to be all down to us. Yet unless you have been truly powerless in life how will another individual ever ...

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    Tags:
    self-knowledge,
    reality,
    understanding,
    experience
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  • A Letter To Update Myself

         A varying ability for taking on responsibility on a daily basis is not the same as being irresponsible. You can be good with varying power while being less able at times. My conclusion is this: the experience of inexperience and a lack of confidence because of it is what develops my skills.   To quick tempered, impatient individuals it might be regarded as, inefficient time wasting and a source of trouble. “He does not ...

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    Tags:
    Reflection,
    Hope,
    Sense of Self
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  • Looking after my Health

      Looking after my health is a real job in itself which I juggle with my exterior work. I know that many people have to cope with a health job, as well as provide from their material ones.  However when unwell I need a genuine shelter from the economic realities of life. A space to recover. Human contact.  Because the economic part of me has dried up and is replaced by the fear that it has ...

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    Tags:
    self-knowledge,
    wellness,
    work
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  • Devils On My Shoulder- sounds like a poor excuse

    “Its like getting blood out of a stone”, as this illness prevails over me like a heavenly planet pouring scorn on my efforts.Its all about what moves the economy that is reality it tells me. The constant agony I'm not working well enough in it to produce a big enough gain for myself to please society and employers or friends, family and acquaintances.It all sounds like a poor attitude and an excuse. And they are ...

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    Tags:
    Shame
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  • O To Feel So Powerless

    O someone calm me down from feeling so powerless and unable to carry on.I have tried and I have failed for the zenith time. I thought I was on a roll then it all came tumbling down to nothing as my powers seized up.I am left only with the wings of a broken Phoenix unable to fly out of its ashes....breakdown...recovery...breakdown...recovery, it flaps lamely.Rest is the only help but it ...

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    Tags:
    Anxiety,
    Depression,
    Helplessness
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  • I'm Getting Up For Work

    I'm getting up for work "Today I am getting up for work", schmoozed Bob to himself. He feels glad and it makes him happy to shower and dress. The feeling of dependency has withered and he feels positive about himself. "A renewed man under a blue sky" he dares to think to himself. It's been a long time out of work and Bob does feel nervous but he is breathing a sigh of relief at ...

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    Tags:
    smile
  • Bob Offers A Reflection On His Chequered Existence

    Bob Offers A Reflection On His Chequered Existence I was born with a sensitive , impressionable , weak nature easily influenced by the force of words going into me and by the words coming out of me . There were many words worth hearing , as well ,words that caused me to be inspired filtered through the prism of my illness going in and coming out of it like the sea. I would learn about ...

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    Tags:
    smile,
    taking control,
    spiritual emergence
  • A Chronicle At Daybreak - patience in getting up.

    A chronicle at daybreak - Patience in getting up. Understanding his morning blues when he wakes up and how he gets up was key to Bob's salvation. "Its a delicate, vital process" He admits to himself not to be taken lightly. The sorrow he feels when he awakes is like a mournful cockerel crowing, where long , black, thin shadows prevail and there is a surreal sunrise to overcome with reality to embrace later. He ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    anger,
    self management,
    feelings
  • Bob's Photons Of Light

    Bob's Photons Of Light "The effort I am putting in is being seen" Bob reckons to himself. "It registers like photons of light detected on the most sensitive photographic plate" he construes. The image might be difficult to interpret as with particle physics for instance. But it is noticed and recorded , he thinks. I am writing messages to the cosmos for someone to see , he explains to himself. He fears a black hole ...

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    Tags:
    spirituality,
    sense of self,
    inspiration,
    spiritual emergence,
    self management
  • Bob's Work Shocks

    Bob's Work Shocks My intelligence tells me I can do more while my illness says I can not. I recover to a point then it goes again making it hard to lead a balanced life. I feel like I am always struggling to start and never quite making it. Picking up the bogey prize when I do for running the race in the first place, hoping I will finish it. " Is this all I ...

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    Tags:
    reflection,
    recovery,
    vulnerability,
    work,
    lived experience
  • What Worries Bob The Most.........

    What Worries Bob The Most...... ....is the struggle between his holistic happiness and his absence from the world of full time work. Will he find peace in the end ? His happiness has been anchored in an ever deepening prayer life. Something he trusts . Deeper than the affliction itself. Causing a reservoir of happiness. Turning back the tide of illness like a merciful moon. A lunar intervention requiring a regular appointment with his creator. ...

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    Tags:
    sense of self,
    self-knowledge,
    wellness,
    stress,
    work
  • Bob Makes Peace With His Struggles

    Bob Considers His Struggles To anyone looking in all that is observed is someone struggling, believes Bob . Struggling with confidence, struggling to tie his own shoe laces. A nervy person unable to inspire confidence in others. He is eventually ignored after a few jokes are shared between those who seem to find life much easier.He has to forgive them. His youth is diminishing ,theirs is in full flood.He knows they should know better. He ...

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    Tags:
    sense of self,
    self-knowledge,
    spiritual emergence,
    self-help,
    hope
  • Bob Maintains His Confidence

    Bob Maintains His Confidence. How well do I react to confidence when I see it all around me in others while I do not seem to have much of it in myself,queries Bob to himself....... and.....how well do I perform at work when I only have a fraction of the confidence I need to do the job. Its a mean equation to balance but I have to do it well to live and to stay ...

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    Tags:
    control,
    resilience,
    work,
    hope,
    protecting
  • A Letter To Encourage Myself

    Keeping one step ahead of my mental health. This is what is being asked of me. How is it done? How will I measure it? How will I know? How will anyone else know? The truth is I experience this effort and its pain on a daily basis. Yet any benefit attained from it might be quite invisible to me and those around me. I am so sensitive to the world's comments, condemnations and judgements ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    self help,
    optimism,
    reaching out
  • Hope, Endurance, Achievement, Fruit, Resilience

    Hope, Endurance, Achievement, Fruit, Resilience Hope when all else fails and all seems impossible. Endurance when unwell and in staying well. Achievement in getting well and keeping well. Fruit life itself Resilience for putting up with the whole process in the first place. What the human spirit endures and achieves in mental health is quite phenomenal and it should not be undervalued or overlooked. It is not mindless suffering. It requires work to keep it ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    resilience,
    life,
    experience
  • My Spiritual Recovery Experience

    My spiritual recovery has four aspects: 1. I do not have to be ill to lead an unreal or untrue life. 2. I do not have to be well to lead a real or true life. 3. I can be unreal or untrue due to the complexities of my illness. 4. I can be real and true about the complexities of my illness. 1. It seems to me vast posses of people are able to ...

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    Tags:
    spiritual emergence,
    depression,
    recovery journey
  • Notes To Myself On Living

    The same fundamental chord of experience which causes me to experience mental illness over and over again is not something I can change. I can be very well but I still have it playing under my skin. I can refine my habits and change my lifestyle but it will not stay quiet. I can find work and find love but it will not stop influencing my experiences with its abstract tones. I can pray to ...

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    Tags:
    self-help,
    coping strategies,
    taking control
  • Voices we hear and the Voice we are

    The general daily accusations that a mental health sufferer has to filter out of his hearing and not get depressed about are addressed to everyone. The accusations of idleness, laziness, bumming around, sky walking, dreaming, poor attitude, time wasting, avoidance etc. then there is the general anger towards these perceived faults. This makes us feel very poorly indeed. I understand why, having worked, that time is money. Being unproductive is a sin in the eyes ...

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    Tags:
    coping strategies,
    discrimination,
    identity,
    stigma
  • The Ways Of Others And My Micro Failings

    Without sounding pathetic the ways of others tend to have been stronger. Events take over and I am in someone else's hands. Where did my power go? Then risks are taken on my behalf and their consequences are again held in someone else's hands. I am left with something I do not want to do, silenced and with no voice. Such are the perplexities that worry and frighten my soul. When I am surrounded by ...

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    Tags:
    identity,
    power,
    sense of self,
    loss,
    self-worth
  • The Jitters They Saw

    Having recently failed a 3 hour interview by a tiny whisker due to my jitters at the role-play part, I realize that the job is not meant for me. As the pressure increased so the jitters multiplied under the influence of the interview technique into a rainbow of nerves. This cycle always occurs and repeats itself whenever tested too much. I reflect that I can see work ever more clearly with time and experience. I ...

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    Tags:
  • Identifying Justice For and In Myself

    Making peace with all that is right in Man and with the Divine can be a daunting but rewarding life's work, spiritually. However, materially the mental health sufferer finds he is automatically at odds with the working world. He is viewed as “out of shape“, from the economic point of view and yet able to work. So how will he survive? How will he cope? Will his unique, personal work be recognized? Or will he ...

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    Tags:
    stigma,
    Answers/Solutions,
    justice,
    recovery journey
  • You Are Doing A Good Job

    It is my belief that suffering mental illness has a great spiritual benefit and significance for all of us if only we can bear to live with it. We can understand deeply other people's misfortunes because we are so depleted ourselves. So we work hard, we are not lazy. It is a symptom that optimism and positivity are elusive in this adversity. We need to ask for great courage to steer through it and we ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    spiritual emergence,
    work
  • 99% Real : 1% Mania

    OH! That 1%. If only I could be real for 100% of the time. Would the grass have been greener for me, my family and friends? I fear it would not, life being life. It is just a rash of wishful thinking. That gremlin 1% precipitates, spontaneously, while working, knocking out reality in an instant. Like the wind blowing out a candle. Then I find myself trying to make everything right when it is out ...

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    Tags:
    mania,
    reflection,
    anxiety,
    love,
    self-worth
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  • The Affect Of Doing, Getting And Having On My Life

    After the intense effort of doing, getting and having while grasping and holding onto my things with a tendency to OCD. Altogether with emotional responses and then tenderness......Life and its affect on my spirit emerges. A dynamo of emotions has been experienced. The colours and the hues of my deeds and actions are left like footprints, behind me, to remind me where I have been. What a rainbow to celebrate. Clothed in responses adorned like ...

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    Tags:
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  • Recognising A Turbulent Pattern In Life

    I would like to share two areas of self observation; One is in experiencing consolation with God and the other is while experiencing desolation without Him. For me desolation is accompanied by an added danger when it is prolonged or aggravated by my mental illness. I feel an anxiety that I might not recover from it at all. On the other hand consolation becomes worrying when due to slight mania things are too good for ...

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    Tags:
    spirituality,
    lived experience,
    emotions
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  • Having A Chance Means A Lot To Me

    I know myself by my self-loathing and unreality like a signature tune. When I am well it can be endured easily. When very unwell it could lead to my death. The coin of mental health/mental illness spins in the darkness and falls at the feet of those who can care. It is flipped by a mixture of biology, chance, spirit and fate and I have to be ready for both outcomes. Those who care know ...

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    Tags:
    Hope
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  • Minds Of Gold

    I am writing to gain control of my thoughts and emotions. Away from the smouldering adversity that flares up against me. Spiritual life tested with the barbs of mental illness to procure the product of mental health and well being. The purified gold of a healthy mind. That is writing for recovery to me. Based on a true desire to find peace or to find it at last. Reflecting, I say to myself...... “Never let ...

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    Tags:
    taking control,
    insight,
    happiness,
    sprituality,
    good practice
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