• Thirst

    DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! DON'T DRINK THIS WEEKEND! On and on and on and on, Pimms on the peripheral, Gin in the genes, Vodka in the vortex of my inner cortex, like a shadow, never too far from my ...

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    Tags:
    Alcoholism
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  • Ugly thoughts

    Please note: this story references suicide. I was wearing a scarf earlier and I had to take it off because I started to hear the thoughts again, 'Kill yourself'... It creeps in amongst the normal thoughts like 'I'd better go and do the dishes..Or you could kill yourself'. I'd started to think I could maybe just hang myself with that scarf, I wondered how much it would hurt and what surface would hold my weight ...

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    Tags:
    suicide,
    borderline personality disorder
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  • How Music Helps Me

    When you're susceptible to mood swings it is good to avoid things that can put you on a downer, or make you too high. Music absolutely makes my day more manageable. Sometimes I Listen to it to lose myself in it, to get lost in the story, the rhythm. Other times I listen because I want to be found. I want to recognise what I am feeling and label it, experience it fully, express myself ...

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    Tags:
    Music
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  • Blah blah bureaucracy blah

    *CSA trigger warning* Today is one of those days from the undoubtedly popular, but not yet realised tv show 'My day from Hell'... For breakfast, an early morning job centre appointment, to fulfil my WRAG group requirements, in order to receive the life saving benefits (thank you) unjustly ripped, straight from the hard working hands of 'The Taxpayer' or so the red top newspapers would like you to believe. Personally I would prefer 'our' countries ...

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    Tags:
    smear test,
    DWP,
    rant,
    Medication,
    NHS
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  • Depression: A Purge

    Depression: A purge Three words I have come to dread, more than any that could be said 'How are you?': and queries to that effect, I turn my head and look away and change the subject. See I would rather be in bed and I would rather not have raised my hand to brush my teeth today. I would rather have not have dressed myself and I haven't looked in the mirror for days. I ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    inner child,
    Recovery,
    kindness,
    NHS
  • happiness?

    A few months ago my therapist asked me to write out a weekly schedule, with the intention of looking at how I was managing my time. I wrote down a list of daily activities, the mundane day to day things that makes one feel like a 'normal' functioning human being; things such as 'brush teeth' and 'change cat litter tray'. I put them in an order that I felt would make me look capable and ...

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    Tags:
    happy
  • Happy in Nature

    What makes me happy? The Big Outdoors!! Nature makes me feel so at peace. There are so many things about society and modern day living that feels wrong. Just taking some time away from the hustle and bustle; breathing lungfuls of air which isn't muggy, a rest from man made invention and all the complicated comings and goings and responsibilities that come with being a 'grown up'. I love rambling through forests and scavenging on ...

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    Tags:
    outdoors,
    sea,
    nature,
    sunshine
  • The Stranger

    I saw her there, sheltered under the tree, hunched over and twisted like the gnarled tree trunk; shoulders shaking like the leaves, shimmering and waving in an Autumn breeze. I felt compelled to approach the vulnerable woman so small was she that I felt she must surely need some help. As I got closer I saw a heavy, wet tear roll off her cheek and onto the ground, a miniature lake no bigger than a ...

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    Tags:
    compassion,
    reflection,
    helping,
    nurturing,
    protecting
  • Me, Myself and Mania?

    I am creative, I am flowing, the world looks wonderful and bright and people are fascinating and I can connect with everything around me. I see signs and meaning in everything. I am alive! Is depression finally over? Am I overly excited because I’m finally having a good day? Am I manic? Am I guilt tripping for having a bad day? Am I over thinking things? Is this anxiety taking over me now? Take a ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    depression,
    creativity,
    mania
  • Finding Your Way Through The Healing Process

    "Everything happens for a reason" "God gives us only what we can handle" "The law of attraction means that bad things happen because we, or our families/communities, are focussing our energy, attention and focus on it" "Before you came into this life you made a deal with the universe to experience everything in order to learn before the next life." These are some of the most infuriating things that I've heard when it comes explaining ...

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    Tags:
    options,
    recovery,
    wellness,
    health,
    personal responsibility
  • Opening Up and Ending Stigma

    *DISCLAIMER- I have no medical training and am not a professional or affiliated with any medical professionals, organisations or practises. All the advice I have offered below is anecdotal and comes from personal experience and is not advocated by any mental health professional or personnel. This is advice from one layman to another* I want to talk about a dirty word beginning with 'V'. The one that people use against you because having it makes ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    recovery,
    shame,
    stigma,
    vulnerability
  • Alone Time

    I hate being left alone. Sometimes it feels as though I will never be found again, that whoever is missing will not return to me. It is quite an irrational fear given that I am nearing 30 and have a phone, a mobile, a laptop, a loud voice and a pair of legs should I need to reach anyone and ask them to come and save me. But then when I am happy I love ...

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    Tags:
    lonely,
    fear
  • The Sponge

    For a long time I was empty inside, impoverished of thought, passion, meaning, certainty. My head was vacant like a derelict building, haunted with unfulfilled ambition and a purpose, long since lost. Sometimes I would get a thought or idea and it would roll back and forth in the walls of my mind like a lonely child’s ball and I would start to obsess over it, replaying it over and over like a cave with ...

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    Tags:
    disillusionment,
    Searching,
    inspiration,
    disappointment,
    cure
  • Affirmative! Roger That.

    Sometimes when we are depressed or become mentally ill, we lose a sense of identity, we lose track of who we are and what we may mean to those around us, as well as our impact on the world. Usually our home lives and ability to work is affected, our family ties can become strained. With that, we lose our sense of worth, we feel pointless, dull, ugly, sluggish, trapped and even as though we ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    pessimism,
    positive thinking,
    Healing,
    negativity
  • Soundtrack to my life

    I often hear the soundtrack to my life as I am living it.. the love scenes, the tears, the skipping in the rain, the dramatic parts, the lusty ones, the exciting ones, the calm. Sometimes as I reminisce I hear the tunes that made my teenage years, the ones that cover my triumphs and my suffering and of course being the romantic depressive that I am, I've even picked my funeral songs. What a nice ...

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    Tags:
    life,
    soundtrack
  • Shadows on my wall

    I saw entities on the wall and they were coming for me. Creeping up behind me, merging with my shadow, Waiting to engulf me and carry me away. I saw them dance across the ceiling and swirl above my head I thought I heard them whisper in my ear but when I turned my head to see them they were gone. Later on they came back louder! I heard them as they rumbled from inside ...

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    Tags:
  • Wearing my Shadow

    I am learning to own my darkest shadows, perhaps I shall wear Them like a cape. I can hide in Them and bide in Them, until the sun within me rises, and I can breathe again, without choking on Their thick, velvety, folds. Sometimes They are warm, familiar and comforting like liquorice, Others They are cold and isolating, and the wind whips through me to push all of the clouds away, But The Shadows they ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    acceptance,
    strength
  • Stabilisers

    I remember my dad fitting my sisters old stabilisers onto my new but second hand bike. I remember the tools and him checking and double checking his handiwork. Then he taped a square flap of thick cardboard onto the forks so it would rub against the spokes and make a tcka tcka noise, so I could pretend it was a motorbike! I remember thinking how he could fix anything and make any toy or game ...

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    Tags:
    mood,
    stabilisers
  • Write or Right

    I saw a great quote yesterday, from an 80 year old cellist who was asked why he still practised playing the cello, his reply 'I think I'm making progress.' I've always been aware that learning is a life long thing, that sometimes we have to make the same mistake over and over again before it teaches us what we need to know. I know that if I could learn to take my own advice, if ...

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    Tags:
    writing,
    learning,
    progress
  • The Avalanche

    I write it out, I scrunch it up, I throw it into the corner. It doesn't matter. I write it out, I scrunch it up, I throw it into the corner. It's nothing. I write it out, I scrunch it up, I throw it into the corner. It's not important. I write it out, I scrunch it up, I throw it into the corner. It can wait for another day. I write it out, I ...

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    Tags:
    writing,
    expressing myself,
    overwhelmed
  • The Rut

    I've been trying to be pro-active in fixing this thing. But unlike a freshly sprung leak, ideas have not been free flowing and the solution cannot be guaranteed through a 24 hour call out fee. Like a spring lamb I am moving in leaps and bounds and taking all in my stride and then mentally falling down stairs backwards, Tripping over the rug that I weave, with the thick skin I have grown. Tired of ...

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    Tags:
    purpose
  • Death of a celebrity

    It’s so sad to hear that someone whose persona, energy and work was so lovingly admired, has taken their own life. I am so glad for all of the open conversations that are popping up all across the media and social media. I haven’t heard one sick joke about his death, which is refreshing, instead I’ve heard compassion and understanding and an out pouring of not just grief, but of people sharing their own experiences ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    talking,
    Suicide
  • How to help a loved one through their depression

    Talking to depressed people can be really depressing! They can be so negative. They can bat away helpful suggestions or complements or comforting words and be so dismissive when you try to help them. But one the most important things to remember? They don't expect you to solve it all or cure them. They don't always need you to come up with a solution. If the solution was that simple they would likely have figured ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    support,
    friendship
  • Signs of my recovery

    One of the first signs that I was getting better was that I could read again. For a long time I couldn't concentrate when I read, so reading novels, no matter how familiar, was no longer pleasurable. Trying to read anything academic or 'formal' made me feel like a toddler trying to read a code combined of Hebrew, Arabic and Japanese! So when I started to be able to concentrate again reading became a really ...

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    Tags:
    creativity,
    recovery,
    concentration,
    gratitude,
    reading
  • The Career Ladder is Sometimes a Lily Pond.

    Ten years ago I volunteered for a innovative new charity organisation in a big city. It was one of the best experiences with work I've had. I volunteered there for 6 months in total, I had to leave because my finances meant I had to focus on full time paid work. A while after I left, a job came up there as part of the admin team. It wasn't the department I'd been volunteering in ...

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    Tags:
    Rejection,
    Bitter,
    Job,
    Work,
    Career
  • In which we discover that life is better than a life purpose.

    So I've been thinking about my place in the world. Wondering what I should be doing with myself, now ten years has passed since I last did paid work and I am feeling a bit more able and restless. I was thinking how hard it is to set foot back into the workplace, knowing that its not stepping back to You ten years ago when you abandoned your job, but stepping into the new version ...

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    Tags:
    volunteering,
    purpose,
    job,
    achievement,
    career
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  • Forgotten Lists of the Decades

    For fun, here is a list of things I was DEFINITELY going to have by the time I was 25: A dazzling career, either in the entertainment industry or maybe working as a PA for someone hugely famous and wealthy, who would let me cruise around their high life with all their cash and benefits, but with anonymity. A beautiful Spanish/Italian boyfriend, who was an exceptional love and cook and played guitar and wrote songs ...

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    Tags:
    humour,
    Life goals,
    lists,
    ambition
  • The Visitor

    Please note: this story references self harm. It has been a long day, I am tired and settling down for the night, but there is an uneasy feeling in my stomach, a twisting and fluttering, like there is a fear or question rising, one which I am not yet ready to entertain and answer, a request which I will not adhere to. There is a sense of something creeping up on me, a time, a ...

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    Tags:
    trauma,
    depression,
    Inner child
  • Beeline for Recovery

    Today I am a very weary traveller, making passage across my own recovery timeline. There is no destination beyond 'Wellness, as I interpret it, sustained for as long as I can.' There is no end goal; to aim for something solid would be futile, given that life will inevitably throw a few curve balls, and the occasional cricket bat to the face. There’s no timetable beyond the relentless mood diaries and the keeping of strict ...

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    Tags:
    Recovery,
    mindfulness,
    therapy
  • Dystopian Future of Madness

    May 1st 2030 The Underground Press A Spoonful of Bullets Helps Protesters Back Down Brave demonstrators were out in force in The Capital today, protesting for the rights of the thousands of mentally ill people who have been locked up, imprisoned in labour camps and mysteriously disappeared over the last decade, as controversies grow around recent laws about Shirking Work and Unwillingness to Conform. The Blue Party of Britania brought in the Cheerful Conformity Act ...

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    Tags:
    discrimination,
    public services,
    Satire
  • The Passing of SADness

    The Passing of SADness The dark days outside rolled into one and there I was, trapped in the corner of my own dark place. A hard shell grew around me of my own making, a cold blizzard of bitterness within, shielding me from the reach of the well meaning, through my mind’s oppressive ceiling. In this eternal winter I mourned my losses, My defeated heart and troubled mind conspiring, Creating a toxic sedative which I ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Sad,
    seasons
  • Night Time

    I wake myself up crying, the real primal kind, where the tears don't come before the wailing, and the writhing in the pit of the stomach. I curl up in fetal position, as if folding myself in half will somehow squeeze out the pain, or maybe keep the hope in. In the absence of a deity, I talk out loud to my long deceased ex, begging for him to stop this feeling, I say over ...

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  • Beginning of The End

    So it happened. The split. Two sick people fighting their own demons, turned from circling back to back, to face each other and realised; Their battle for love was lost. There is a gap between them where the love used to flow , a ton of burden where a weightless cradle of support used to be, where passion and fire and saliva once mixed to melt their cold shoulders and bond them like glue. The ...

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    Tags:
    Love,
    Relationship,
    heartache,
    co-dependent
  • Don't do it. (Trigger warning)

    Please note: this story references suicide. Death is never dignified, but the ending of a good story should be magnificent. Not swinging from a rope with shit, piss and jizz running down your legs, or vomiting luminous yellow bile and a chalky cocktail of pharmaceuticals surrounding you. No poetry, no love letters, no essays that you write, can explain away the pain that you inflict on others when you take away your life, it is ...

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    Tags:
    loss,
    grief,
    suicide
  • To Do Lists

    To Do Lists When my life became quite small, and I barely functioned, my existence shrunk down to a series of lists to keep me sane. They were meant to become habits, second nature, things that get done regardless of how you feel, where you are and what is going on in your life. They were written to combat the strange amnesia that comes upon you when in the clutches of depression, when you forget ...

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    Tags:
    existential,
    dread
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  • Seeing the psychiatrist when they don't see you.

    My usual psychiatrist is off sick. 'You don't seem emotionally unstable to me at the moment' said the Dr, who I'd sat with for under half an hour. Yeah mate, that's not really what Emotionally Unstable/Borderline Personality Disorder is. You should probably know that, considering you're the one with the degree in this shit. He commends me for coping med free and after hearing my reasoning agrees that at this time with my current routine ...

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    Tags:
    Diagnosis,
    EUPD,
    BPD,
    symptoms,
    Cyclothymia
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  • No DSS, No Pets.

    Trying to get a flat. But there's no social housing. And the medical points are only for folk with physical disabilities, you know, the REAL ones. So I'm stuck in private renting. And nobody wants you cos you're on 'DSS' even though that doesn't even exist anymore. And technically the Housing Benefit comes to me first, so I could pay my rent out of my own money and spend the housing benefit on food or ...

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    Tags:
    Home,
    housing,
    dss,
    pets