• The Day I Fell off The Edge of The Earth

    Thursday 3rd December 2016. The day I fell off the edge of the Earth. Really looking back the walk to the edge started many months before, but the fall started in the early hours of Wednesday 2nd December around 1am. I awoke from what had been a very disturbed sleep with a feeling of utter dread. It had been a long time since I felt that feeling but there was no mistaking it. The best ...

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    Tags:
    Anxiety,
    Depression,
    Panic,
    Self-stigma
  • It's Time To Let It Go

    I have requested to view my medical notes from 2014 when I was an in-patient in mental health wards. This is quite a scary but empowering step for me. I am hoping that it will help me to get some closure as this time has always been a bit blank in my mind. In some ways that has suited me - who really wants to re-visit one of the worst times in their life?? But ...

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    Tags:
    PMDD
  • Journey of a Lifetime

    People say everything has a beginning, a middle and an end - usually in that order. I feel like my life had an end, a middle then a beginning - let me explain. My end was my beginning. It turns out ironically that the worst time in my life has led me to my new beginning. There was of course the 'middle' - the part in-between where I had to work pretty hard and make ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    PMDD,
    suicide,
    Recovery
  • Plug The Gaps

    The Great Big Secret.... So writing my story has helped me to see that I am not fully aware of what actually happened when I was most unwell. I'm sure a combination of factors contribute to this. I'm sure the mind keeps things from us to keep us safe - save us from re-living trauma. I'm also sure that I was pretty doped up on diazepam and other drugs during my inpatient stay. And lastly ...

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    Tags:
    recovery,
    suicide
  • Diagnosis - Good/Bad or both???

    As I await permission from the NHS to view my OWN medical records......I have been thinking. I have been wondering if I will like what I see?? It got me thinking about a diagnosis, most specifically the diagnosis I had. It made me think about how my attitude to my diagnosis has changed over time. My diagnosis was PMDD, a recognised mental disorder (don't you love being told your disordered!! - why can't things just ...

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    Tags:
    PMDD
  • Let it Go

    So I got my medical notes. After 11 years I now have as clear a picture in my head of what happened to me when I was most unwell as I guess I ever will have. It made interesting reading actually. Sadly it also re-affirmed what I have always believed happened - I was just given drugs and no one appeared to have listened to what I was trying to say about the root cause ...

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    Tags:
    medication,
    PMDD,
    suicide,
    Hormones
  • So you hate yourself.....l

    So...you hate yourself. I have been there too. I have looked in the mirror and thought "what a waste of space you are" I have wished that I was dead. But......then I realised that all the things I believed in my head were not true. They were feelings - not facts. They were feelings based upon someone else's opinion of me - infact society's opinion of me just because I was struggling with an illness ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    depression
  • Sometimes you just got to eat the frog......

    Anxiety. A damn pain in the arse (literally) But...also a reminder (apologies to any animal lovers - I am too and wouldn't eat any of the animals I am about to refer to - its just my way of putting things into context) A reminder that sometimes you sometimes just need to eat the frog (if you have something horrible or scary you need to do - just get it over and done with). But ...

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    Tags:
    anxiety,
    challenges
  • Helter Skelter to Hell

    Regardless of my best efforts I seem to have passed the "stop here" sign and I am hurtling down what I can only describe as the Helter Skelter to Hell. Before I know it I'm plunging deeper and deeper into the darkness with a feeling of sheer terror taking over my mind and body. I try desperately to cling to the sides but there appears to be nothing to hold onto. There is no light ...

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    Tags:
    anti-depressants,
    Anxiety,
    Depression,
    Panic
  • Hell and The Ghost Train

    Please Note: This piece contains references to suicide. I think I am in Hell. Coming from a religious upbringing I was told that Hell is your worst ever fears all in one place. So I think that is where I am. The ride has stopped but it's still dark and I'm still afraid. I can hear voices but this time they are telling me that things are definitely not ok. Things are never going to ...

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    Tags:
    hope,
    Suicide,
    Anxiety,
    Depression
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  • Adventure of a Lifetime

    I always said I would like to write a book about my journey - maybe this is the time. I can do it in little bite sized chunks which suit me. And what a journey it has been - and still is. 10 years ago in June I tried to take my own life. It made perfect sense at that time as in my head the world and my family would be better off without ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicide,
    PMDD,
    anxiety,
    survival
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