• I Can't Sign Out

    I live for when I feel the sun on my skin on days like thisfreckles darkening, strawberry flesh. Ice water cooling a warm mouth, bare feet in the grasssee the bees bumble. Smell warm coffee and bread in the morning and hearKind words of strangers, tasteHandfuls of chocolate scoffed, a sneaky pleasure. collecting leaves - secret treasure. Soft blankets on my skin, cool air drifting as I awake in the morning. I've too much to stay for; I can't sign out.  

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    Tags:
    depression,
    suicidal thoughts,
    recovery,
    overdosing,
    finding happiness
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  • Prescribed.

    20mg. 40mg.30mg.20mg.Now 10mg.The reduction in anti-depressant dosage has begun. I'm so scared. Each time this has happened, I experience the worst lows ever. I can't get up, get washed or care about the things I usually do. I'm exhausted, upset and annoyed. After this though, I feel great. I level out and feel joy again. I enjoy things, I get up earlier, I feel more together. The anticipation for this should push aside any negativity or fear ...

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    Tags:
    medication,
    depression,
    anti-depressants,
    Recovery,
    recovery journey
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  • The Great Fire

    This voice comes scurrying in like a fat plague rat when I least expect it. I'm armed with a barbed baseball bat and ready to strike. My mental health will not succumb to buboes; inflamed, painful thoughts pushing against my skull. Your infestation will not reach my positivity, locked deep within the crevasses of my brain. A great fire has arisen and scorches the areas of disease. Burn, burn it all away. Destroy the negativity running like sewage ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    happiness,
    recovery,
    positive thinking,
    positivity
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  • Patterns : Relationship (Ctrl +Alt + Del)

    I arrived with time to spare at counselling today.  I noticed the lady beside me in the waiting area looked like Bettie Page; short fringe, long dark hair, 50s style I can only dream of. My counsellor arrived and led me to a new room. It was softly lit and had a decorative bowl of rocks on the table where I plonked my water bottle. One had a groove on  it that would exactly fit my thumb. ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    Counselling,
    Relationship,
    anxiety,
    therapist
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  • Patterns : REQUIEM

    Therapy Sesh 2 : REQUIEM. 10am on a soakin' Glasgow morning. My hands are red raw from the wind and rain being pelted at me as I walked to the building where I vent to my lovely counsellor. We sit down, she puts my jacket over the radiator and begins. How do I want to start this week? Is there anything in particular that's been bothering me? IS A CAT A HAIRY BEAST?! Yes. ...

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    Tags:
    depression,
    therapist,
    Counselling,
    therapy,
    fear
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  • Love

    Love is notonly one thing; butterflies chasing diamond rings. Love is not exclusive to one person, but findsmany others to which it can bind. Love is notreserved solely for romantic partners but is often seen as such. Love is small gestures; The feel of a kitten's fur, a friends laughter,forget about 'happy ever after'. Love is happy often now, talking with friends, family, partners.  But most of allLove is for everyone. 

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    Tags:
    sense of self,
    understanding,
    love,
    self love,
    care
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  • Patterns

    I sat in the counsellor's office for the first time today, and did not expect to unleash upon them in the way that I did. Only a slight prompt regarding my course and off I went; "I want to be good at this course", "I was good at physics",  "I am good at writing and editing", "I am good at my job", "I am good at connecting with people". GOOD. There it is. First session. ...

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    Tags:
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  • Ophelia

    Ophelia feels like falling apartClimbs up on the ledgeof her broken heartHer weary mind is ill at easeThe wind whips her dressAround bony kneesHer toes grip the concrete, ornate balustradeThe cleanest of exits,Nobody to wadeInto waters of crystal,Dark, deep and cool.To shuffle toe-tipsThrough the silt of the pool.Face pointing skywards, defiant, so proudArms outstretched, my dear, final ...

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    Tags:
    Depression
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  • Snow Bears

    One has a grin, the other a frown; comedy and tragedy in Arctic form. Let's call them Brav and Trist. Both behave similarly, as snow bears do, lolloping in the soft, white, pureness of their environment. Brav doesn't understand why Trist can lay for days on end in his den, cold and unfeeling, when there's so much FUN to be had, because Brav has to go FAST. Trist doesn't know where Brav's energy comes from. Brav streaks around ...

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    Tags:
    #BPD,
    #mentalhealth,
    #depression,
    #Depression
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  • The Showgirl

     The showgirl glitters in the stage lights. Beads upon her costume oscillate with each movement. Swipes of eyeliner define her wide stare. She reaches for the trapeze as the music begins, fingers curling tightly around the rough tape. Callouses drag as she inverts, the effort forcing a breath from between red lips, smiling at the crowd. Her knees hook on to the horizontal bar; she hangs like a bat. Bruised joints smart with the weight. She smiles more, ...

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    Tags:
    #depression
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